Welcome to “Somehow, Now You’re the Villain,” a segment on things that can make a villain out of normal people, even without doing anything. Today, we’ll be looking at allergies to flowers or animals. Characters can be so evil that they’re allergic to cute things. And when you tell your child why they can’t have a dog, Somehow, Now You’re the Villain.
Allergic to Flowers or Animals
If you have an allergy to peanuts, no one calls you a villain. The sun? You’re automatically a hero. But goodness forbid if you hate animals or flowers. You ever read a story or watch a movie where there’s an allergic character? Let me lay down a scenario.
Mr. Hutchins: “Kids! Wonderful news! I’m engaged to this woman I met at the Bayport Inn!”
Perfectly Nice Woman: “Very nice to meet you all! I look forward to serving as a maternal figure, but not by replacing the fond memories of your dearly departed mother!”
Eldest Daughter Karen: “Do you make ham squash pie? Our mother used to make it. It’s my favorite.”
PNW: “Ham squash pie? That’s my absolute favorite! Perhaps I will prepare some tonight.”
Middle Daughter Gattling Groink (named for Mr. Hutchins’ departed mother, Betsy): “Have you read any fine literature recently?”
PNW: “Yes, I read the latest copy of ‘The Color Gray as Depicted 49 1/2 Times by an Unwell Woman.’ Sexually awakened me. Here, you may borrow it.”
Little Elisa: “Would you care for a forget-me-not? Sheds (gestures to the dog) and I picked it from the garden for your arrival!”
PNW: “Oh dear… Regrettably, I have an allergy to flowers, animal fur, and allergy medicine. Mr. Hutchins, surely we may remedy this somehow…?”
Karen: “GET RID OF SHEDS AND MOTHER’S GARDEN? IS THAT WHAT YOU SAID?”
Gattling Groink: “FATHER, DID YOU HEAR HER? WE SHOULD HAVE NO WOMAN AROUND WHO WISHES TO RUIN OUR LIVES!”
Elisa: “Daddy, please, don’t let her take my doggie away! And we promised Mommy to tend her garden!”
Mr. Hutchins: “It’s a difficult decision, but I think I can manage. Perfectly Nice Woman, I’m afraid our marriage is off!”
PNW: “B-but… MR. HUTCHINS!”
(PNW is thrown out, father apologizes for his former betrothed, everyone laughs, scene)
No, you have not. Sympathetically portrayed people with allergies? Perish the sneeze! Here’s the real scoop!
Mr. Hutchins: “Kids! Wonderful news! I’m engaged to this woman I met at the Bayport Inn!”
Perfectly Nasty Woman: “Yes, this place should make a wonderful spot for a Bed Bath & Beyond! Look at this place! Your mother died two weeks ago, and her portraits are still on the walls? I will serve as your new yet temporary maternal figure, but only by replacing the fond memories of your dearly departed mother!”
Eldest Daughter Karen: “Do you make ham squash pie? Our mother used to make it. It’s my favorite.”
PNW: “Ham squash pie? Looks like you’ve eaten enough of that! (condescendingly squeezes Karen’s flat stomach) What do I look like, a servant?”
Middle Daughter Gattling Groink (named for Mr. Hutchins’ departed mother, Betsy): “Have you read any fine literature recently?”
PNW: “A girl, reading literature? Eyes are for looking closely at cleaning dust, not sexually awakening little girls! Here, you may borrow my dust rag.”
Little Elisa: “Would you care for a forget-me-not? Sheds (gestures to the dog) and I picked it from the garden for your arrival!”
PNW: “A DOG! FLOWERS! What is this! I have an allergy to flowers, animal fur, and allergy medicine! Mr. Hutchins, either dispose of the mutt and weeds, or I shall have to break things off!”
Karen: “GET RID OF SHEDS AND MOTHER’S GARDEN? IS THAT WHAT YOU SAID?”
Gattling Groink: “FATHER, DID YOU HEAR HER? WE SHOULD HAVE NO WOMAN AROUND WHO WISHES TO RUIN OUR LIVES!”
Elisa: “Daddy, please, don’t let her take my doggie away! And we promised Mommy to tend her garden!”
Mr. Hutchins: “It’s a difficult decision, but I think I can manage. Perfectly Nasty Woman, I’m afraid it will take ten minutes to rid the house of the dog and garden!”
PNW: “You have five!”
(PNW goes up to her room, father apologizes to his currently betrothed, everyone cries, scene)
Why would the person getting rid of the dog be nice? Was the human version of The Wicked Witch nice? And she didn’t even have allergies!
It’s because dogs and flowers are cute. It’s usually not cats. Sakaki from Azumanga Daioh couldn’t have a cat because of her mother’s allergy. But we never even saw the mother, and cats hated Sakaki anyway.
The clown from Arthur was allergic to dogs, despite living in a world of furries. He wasn’t evil, but he did feel accidentally antagonistic, like when Pal was lost.
Even though flowers are typically passive, many villains hate them for some reason. Maybe it’s justified, like if they sell plastic flowers for a living. Yeah, the whole “nature versus business” shtick. Then there’s hating flowers because they represent life and hope and the flower-hater is a maniacal villain has given up on this sinful world. And sometimes, there’s the allergy card.
How could you blame him for hating flowers? For his biological makeup that shuts down when it comes into contact with pollen? That’s just allergies, and now pollen-prone people sneeze around flowers, a row of children chasing them yelling, “Super-villain, flower-killin’, please go far away! Give him sneezin’ fever an’ shove him in the hay!”
Robbie Rotten sneezed around flowers. Not to mention “Rotten” is his surname. Probably couldn’t pursue his dream of being a farmer. “Rotten Fruit Market.”
Granted, flower allergies can also represent aversion to romance. When the hopeless romantic brings the girl flowers and she sneezes, she’s usually not the one. Obviously not in real life, but symbolically.
Symbolism can work well to tip off the designated villain, but it often gets heavy-handed. The allergy mechanism, hands down, is lazy and unfair. Even worse is Captain Planet. See, we’ve been discussing villainy allergies, but Captain Planet is allergic… to pollution. Yes, the hero has the same general weaksauce weakness as the villains. Instead of flowers and canines, it’s tin cans and Hitler. Yes. Yeah, they did a person allergy.
And of course, Green Lantern was allergic to yellow, because it represents fear. Maybe not “allergic,” per se, but the weakness is there.
People can be good or bad, but the body rejecting outside elements is an unfair method to mark a madman. Not to mention the villain wouldn’t want to be allergic to anything.
“I want to be so evil that I sneeze around sunshine, lollipops, and rainbows!”
Lesley Gore’s surname isn’t as bad, but you go to “Gore’s Blood Drive.” I should probably make this a separate post.
Because that’s what it is, weakness. And weakness is, in a sense, humanity. But even if you tell your fiance in perfectly clear terms that you can’t move to a cottage because of your sinuses, Somehow, Now You’re the Villain.
The Conjecture of a Benjy's Lecture 