Glen Keane: Foot Fetishist?

The court will examine the evidence as shown.

“Glen Keane,” you scoff, “Disney veteran artist and executive Glen Keane, a disturbing foot fetishist? Surely you’re just looking to slander a kindly old man.” Well I didn’t say he was disturbing. Dan Schneider is disturbing. Quentin Tarantino less so. Glen Keane just has, shall we say, a personal favorite when it comes to designing characters’ footwear.

You know, commando.

First, a little history.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Glen_Keane

Read all that? Good, whatever. Note there’s a whole table column devoted to the characters he designed. First we’ll look at Princess Elionwy from The Black Cauldron, oddly enough.

Proto-Rapunzel?

No, she’s not barefoot at any point in the film, but she is in the book. And, as legend goes, that’s how Glen Keane wanted to portray her initially.

A more glaring example is, of course, Princess Ariel.

Left speechless.

Okay, yes, feet is kind of a focal point of the film. So Glen Keane having designed her (wearing shoes most of the time, mind you) really doesn’t prove much.

But come on! That’s a pretty detailed foot right there! No non-foot-loving guy is going to detail a cartoon’s foot that well!

Before we move on, I think Ariel’s lipstick is kind of awesome. It doesn’t smear at all when she’s underwater. But I digress.

Know who else Glen Keane designed?

Aladdin out of shoes.

Yes, Aladdin. Okay, fine, barefoot poverty and all, but again, come on! Willing suspension of disbelief only goes so far.

Unlike Ariel, there’s not really any foot scenes to speak of. I guess the pedicure the genie gives him during “Never Had A Friend Like Me,” maybe? Meh.

Now this begs the question: Is Glen Keane bisexual? To which I say, “None of your business, none of mine. Maybe I’m wrong and he just likes the barefoot aesthetic.”

Colors of the Wind? More like Colors of the Feet.

Case in point, Pocahontas is barefoot but has no decent shots of her feet to really support my claims. Still, I question why she doesn’t wear moccasins. You know, because she’s not a mermaid who turned into a human and just discovered her feet. Or a barefoot street urchin. Or…

Gives Sonic a run for his money.

Tarzan, my man! The dude surfs with his feet. Aside from being impossible, it’s really cool. Yes, he’s only wearing a loincloth, but clearly Glen Keane put a lot of love into this film.

A lot of love.

A lot a lot.

Okay, that’s enough love!

He designed Tarzan, sure, but I’m guessing that as Supervising Animator he got say in how Jane should be presented. So yeah.

The last feature-length film Glen Keane had a designer credit on was Rapunzel, and…

No denying now.

Yeah, she might be a captive princess, but Rapunzel has no reason to be barefoot. Aside from the “Glen Keane has a foot fetish” theory. Oh, Flynn/Eugene loses a boot briefly at one point.

So let’s review: Ariel, Aladdin, Pocahontas, Tarzan, and Rapunzel were all designed by Glen Keane, and all of them are barefoot.

Does that make him a bad person? No, of course not. We don’t get to choose what we like, and as long as that “what” isn’t harmful to others, I think it’s okay to incorporate it.

The only bad person is Dan Schneider for being a creepy creep creeper.

How Many Of These Classic Isekai Series Do You Remember?

If you’re a fan of manga or light novels, it’s inescapable: The isekai genre. From Re:Zero to KonoSuba, it’s only natural to be reincarnated in another world after a single act of death-inducing heroism. But how many isekai series do you know? Put your knowledge to the test!

-Reincarnated In Another World Right After Paying Off My Student Loans

-I Died And Wished For A Harem, But All The Girls’ Breasts Are A-Cups

-Selling Propane And Propane Accessories In Another World

-I Got Hit By A Truck And Broke My Tibia, But Otherwise I’m Fine

-Trying To Sell Mr. Clean Products To Goblins Is Hard!!

-I Wanted To Join A Guild, But it Was Disbanded In The 60’s

-I Died And Wished For A Harem, But All The Guys’ Breasts Are A-Cups

-Reborn In A World Exactly Like The Old One, Except Everything’s Covered In Sand

-Morally Reprehensible In Another World

-Cooking Monsters In The Dungeon Until I Got Type 2 Diabetes

-My Life As Truck-Kun In Another World

-Reborn In Another World That’s Probably Just Idaho

-I Died And Got A Harem, But I’m Just Not Into The Girls, Okay? They Aren’t Cute At All, And I Think One Of Them Is Stealing From My Wells Fargo Savings Account. I Can’t Prove It And Calling Her Out Might Make Me Look Bad, So I’m Just Playing It Safe For Now.

-Douglas In Another World

-My Powers Make My Enemies See Me As My Grandmother In The Shower

-I Was Reincarnated And My Cell Phone Needs An Update Before I Can Use It Again, But I’m Just Not Getting A Signal

-My Life As An Onion Farmer In Another World, But I’m Really Allergic To Onions

-Using My Knowledge Of Bollywood Movies To Make It Big In Another World

-So I’m Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, So What?

-Reborn In Another World Where I Can’t Finish Season Eight Of Grey’s Anatomy

-Catfished By A Forty-Year-Old Unicorn Living In His Parents’ Basement

-I Wanted The Tall Kind Of Elf, Not The Santa Kind

-Recreating Every Happy Madison Movie In Another World

-My Nails Grow Faster Ever Since I Was Reincarnated

-Reborn In A World Where There’s A Car Alarm Going Off In The Distance At Any Given Time

-I Died After Saving A Kid’s Life But That Kid Grew Up To Be A Dictator

-My Nord VPN-Sponsored Adventure

-I Can Do Magic In Another World, But I’m Limited To A Kit I Got For My Ninth Birthday

-Reincarnated In Another World Where Trigonometry Matters

-Bad At Speling In Anutherr Wurld

-I Wasted My Gift From God On Being Two Inches Taller

-Cowardly And Terrified In Another World

-My Religious Beliefs Are Really Being Tested After Being Reincarnated, And I’m Not Taking It Well

What’s your favorite isekai series? Leave a comment below! Thanks for reading!

Top 5 Archie Characters I Want To See In Riverdale Because I Need To Feel Intense Anger

When Riverdale first came out, I was upset, but gradually adjusted to the universe. The themes in the series seem overly “edgy” and “forced” compared to Archie comics. Not to mention the changes made. Jughead, a woman-liker? No way! P.U.! Don’t get me started on Kevin Keller’s hair color, gross!

But the changes to the cast unleashed an emotion within me: Intense anger. And like Ren Hoek, I like to be angry. So in the spirit of that, here’s five as of yet unused Archie characters that would make me angry should they be placed in Riverdale. And for fun, I’m using stock photos for the character profiles, as if that’s kind of how they’d look in Riverdale.

 

5. Cricket O’Dell

Cricket “Please don’t make my character Jewish” O’Dell can smell money. That would have so many possibilities in the TV series. Like… a money-laundering scheme. Mr. Lodge could use her, right? For something, not for murder though. And best of all, the inner rage I desire would come right out in the forefront! I’d be all, “WHY IS SHE EVEN HERE?! NOTHING ELSE IS SUPERNATURAL IN RIVERDALE! YAAARGH! I HATE THIS SHOW!”

 

4. Bingo Wilkin

Bingo “That Wilkin Boy” Wilkin is a lame Archie clone. He has a girlfriend with a health-nut dad and a father with a height complex. That’s about it. Ooh, and Uncle Herman! That’s it. So if they ever get really desperate and want to ruin my Wednesday nights, they can add the Wilkin and Smythe clans to like, the Serpents. It makes sense. Jughead’s supposedly Bingo’s first cousin, so he does have some use other than making the veins in my forehead bulge. Uncle Herman is always welcome, though.

 

3. Eye-da

In early Archie days long gone, Eye-da was a normal teenage girl who happened to have an eyeball for a head. Later in like, 1990 something, she became friends with Sabrina. I think the series was 90-BOO-10 or some trash. That alone has me pissing blood, but if they thought it would be funny or “retro” to add Eye-da, I’d unleash the beast against Riverdale and its very existence. Let’s remove the giant eye thing and make her blind in one eye and call her Ida. At that point, why even include her? Because it would have me pissing blood, and God bless for that.

 

2. Sonic The Hedgehog

Okay, Archie no longer has license to use Sonic in their comics, but that didn’t stop the Groovy Ghoulies for the rival gang. Here’s the top 10 ways they could incorporate Sonic into Riverdale and enrage me to the core.

10. Make his name that of yet another rival gang (Ooh, SO lazy!)
9. Have a password in a computer system using his name (Cliche!)
8. Have someone say something like “I’m as fast as a hedgehog!” (Unsatisfying!)
7. Include his shoes into the cast’s wardrobe (Unappealingly bad!)
6. Make a virus that’s called the Sonic Tonic or something (It travels fast!)
5. Use real-world drive-thru chain Sonic to rival Pop’s (Ouch!)
4. Put his head on Jughead’s shirt (Blink and you’ll miss it!)
3. Have characters reference the upcoming Sonic film (Do not want!)
2. Actually get the rights to Sonic and have like, Betty have a crazy sex dream about him (WHY???)
1. Create human counterparts like Sam Nick (Sonic) and Milo “Tiles” Prawer (Tails) and Nick Ellis the guardian of the Mistress Jade (Knuckles) and kill them off in the episode they’re introduced in (RIVERDALE!!!)

Best case scenario, one of the characters is playing Sonic on an arcade machine. But I doubt it.

 

1. January McAndrews

Things are already convoluted enough with Bughead, but adding in Jug’s best friend’s future descendant January McAndrews would throw a real monkey’s uncle wrench into the works. If Jan would appear, would Archie get overprotective of her, maybe forbidding her to date his once-bosom buddy? Could Mr. Lodge or a Blossom take advantage of her technology for their own gain? Maybe Moose could save Midge. Maybe Cheryl could save Jason. Maybe Goldwater could save his franchise. God, I hate this series.

Where Exactly Is Disney Going With All These Babies?

I noticed a trend with the latest Disney and Pixar films. One that calls into question the point of it all. Here it is:

Disney and Pixar have their female protagonists shown as babies or young children.

I mean, it’s not arbitrary in the films themselves. Backstories can be about babies. But I can only recall baby Tarzan before the modern films. Princess and the Frog had Tiana as a young girl, Tangled had baby Rapunzel. Frozen had the young princesses. Moana has both a baby and child version of its lead in the number “Where You Are.” Is this necessary?

Where’s baby Cinderella, toddler Belle? It’s a bit weird how many Disney films have aging montages. But it’s usually male. Tarzan, Lion King, Up. And those are pretty far apart. Now it’s an age montage every film or a baby backstory. Not to mention all Disney Princess backstories involve magic. Rapunzel? Magic hair. Anna? Age Progression magic. Elsa? Ice magic. Moana? Nadia:: The Secret of the Blue Water magic. Why don’t these women get magical in their twenties?

Even Pixar has baby Dory, baby Riley, child Judy Hopps. So I guess they got the same memo. The male-centered films, Wreck-It Ralph and Big Hero 6, have no babies. Is this marketing to girls or a “if it ain’t broke” ideology?

They sell the baby versions (mostly) and I can see the appeal. But why not just go for broke? Make a Disney series (TV, not direct to DVD) where the baby princesses AND baby Ariel, Cinderella, Belle, Jasmine, etc. have adventures. If they’re doing this whole “mooch over past successes” thing (Descendants, Sofia the First), then by all means, go all out.

By My Calculations, This Could Theoretically Be The Opening To The Season 5 Premiere Of “Orange Is The New Black”

Eureka! By my calculations, the “Orange is the New Black” season 4 cliffhanger can theoretically be deduced months in advance! Using a simple deduction method involving process of elimination and understanding the flow of any given episode, my research resulted in a juxtaposition of the necessary and the dismissal of real-world limitations in both logic and reaction. The end of the season was an explosion of rage and hurt. The opening of the new one should reflect the futility of endless tyranny and oppression of the common criminal.

Read and enjoy.

Picture it.

There’s a flashback to someone. It’s a method to justify drawing out the audience’s tension. We don’t care about this person’s past, we want to conclude the standoff! But likely, you will gain newfound adoration for whoever’s flashback this is.

Now we return to the standoff. Daya and the gun. Inmates clamoring for justice. The crooked guard kneeling, the blonde guard burrowing, Judy King whimpering with a lame box to keep her company. Will Daya do it? Will she kill a man to make a stand and send the message, NO!, we are not livestock and will NOT be picked off by your rules and your cruel means with an end left unjustified! Can Daya put herself in prison forever because of one murder?

Before her trigger finger reasons the benefits of being the prison hero and the real world villain, two figures strut towards the chaos, past Red, past any fear discarded long ago. Gloria and Sophia, recently rekindled allies, take their own stand. As Daya’s mother left prison, Gloria is honored with Daya Supervision. Gloria says something to Daya about how this isn’t the right way to deal with your mother’s departure, then turning to the bloodthirsty crowd and reminding them what kind of person Poussey was, how this–ALL of this insanity–is not what she would have wanted.

Taystee breaks down, blubbering over how far she took it, mixed in with lingering tides of loss for the only noble spirit in Litchfield. Not everyone is immediately sated, but the sanity is slowly returning to the people.

“Now put the gun down,” Gloria tells Daya, feeling out the situation enough to wait until most of the inmates have settled.

Daya crouches, a little shaky, hyperventilating a bit. The gun is mere inches from the ground–

BLAM!

The camera pans on the male guard. Shaken, but sadly fine.

The female guard finally rises above dirt level to discover the recipient of the stray bullet.

Mouth open like a cereal box with a prize inside, Judy King collapses to the ground.

Anger is on no one’s mind at the moment. Too bad no one storms in, an army of officers in riot gear behind him. Piscatella, violating his suspension, batters the already broken inmates. When he finds the bleeding body of the celebrity chef, he REALLY lets them have it. To cap off the scene, a lighthearted joke, but not mood-ruining.

Caputo discovers his guard at work, the last place he should be. The warden lets his captain have it, but the fatcats take this moment to freak out at his own disobedience. A riot? Easily covered up. Judy King shot? She won’t talk, given the trauma restricts her from speech. But you, Mr. Caputo, you went off script!  Piscatella, on the other hand, is commended for his “instincts” and you can practically taste a coup on the rise.

Then some scene about Piper and Alex being cute in the most shallow way possible. Oh, a new lover or early bail or a bad meal of canned fruit threaten them! Then three flashbacks.

These are my findings based on the previous rhythms of the series. Perhaps they are incorrect, or maybe they are more correct than you could fathom.

Pokemon: Greendale Region

Do you like Dan Harmon’s series Community? How about Pokemon? Then this is the niche article for you.

Jeff – Dark (no time for mind games, a type associated with pretty boys, high attack but low defenses)

Britta – Ice (fragile defenses, tends to be on the offense, makes things worse when you pair with her)

Abed – Psychic (easy to read others, tends to be a staple of teams, haunted by ghosts of his past and relies on his teammates to defeat the dark corners of his mind)

Troy – Fighting (balances out Psychic well, a fair fighter and a necessity for teams otherwise they may collapse, weak against Psychic and his need to soar around the world)

Annie – Fairy (cute but potent, keeps Dark and Fighting moves in line, youngest of the group)

Shirley – Normal (seems fragile but rarely has anything to fear, seems weak but has an array of surprises that don’t suit her typing, shares the Lord’s typing)

Pierce – Dragon – (powerful but unused, unable to harm Fairy, his attacks are never super-effective on the others)

Chang – Bug (weak overall, tends to be the first to lose on a team, looking at him makes your skin crawl)

Dean – Electric (dynamic energy, only weakness is being put under Ground, often shocks the others)

Duncan – Ghost (scarcely seen, able to mess with Psychic, works best when paired with Dark)

Hickey – Steel (high defenses, retroactively around the whole time, fortifies a team)

Frankie – Water (seems to be everywhere, keeps a team stable, most rounded)

Elroy – Flying (acts above everything but is just as low, uses its arsenal powerfully, tends to fly off if things get too close for comfort)

Star-Burns – Poison (immune to being poisoned, easily defeated, sticky and gross)

Garrett – Rock (easily crumbles, an offense to watch out for, makes their presence known)

Leonard – Ground (goes for the offense, even defenses, a type you can really dig*)

Neil – Grass (associated with healing, works best with others than alone, fragile defenses)

Rich – Fire (even cooler than Dark, does not give into Fairy, weak against water/ground/rock moves. Pottery. It’s pottery.)

 

*Because in one episode, it was revealed that Leonard was a hippie at Greendale in the 60’s, and they love the term. Also in that same scene, he dug out his old flying disc. Look, what was I going to do, use Magnitude? No sir.

Flipped Perspective Songs

 

Here’s a game I like to play. Maybe it could entertain your family or chums on long car trips for ten minutes before their phones occupy their conscious minds again.

First, think of a song. It should have lyrics, specifically pronouns. I recommend love songs, as they warrant the best results.

So, okay, let’s take James Blunt’s “You’re Beautiful.” The original lyrics go (well, the first half):

My life is brilliant

My life is brilliant
My love is pure
I saw an angel
Of that I’m sure
She smiled at me on the subway
She was with another man
But I won’t lose no sleep on that
‘Cause I’ve got a plan

You’re beautiful
You’re beautiful
You’re beautiful, it’s true
I saw your face in a crowded place
And I don’t know what to do
‘Cause I’ll never be with you

And so on. The new perspective-flipped lyrics become:

Your life is brilliant

Your life is brilliant
Your love is pure
You saw an angel
Of that you’re sure
I smiled at you on the subway
I was with another man
But you won’t lose no sleep on that
‘Cause you’ve got a plan

I’m beautiful
I’m beautiful
I’m beautiful, it’s true
You saw my face in a crowded place
And you don’t know what to do
‘Cause you’ll never be with me

And so on. See now, the singer goes from weepy to narcissistic. Hilarity overcomes all!

Okay, but I recommend mostly focusing on well-known segments of your song choice. “I’m beautiful” is the obvious winner of the changes. Mostly choruses is the idea.

The real idea is to change the singer’s tone. So, for example, you might choose “(Escape) The Pina  Colada Song” by Rupert Holmes, and it would turn:

If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain
If you’re not into yoga, if you have half a brain
If you like making love at midnight in the dunes of the cape
Then I’m the love that you’ve looked for, write to me and escape

Into:

If I like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain
If I’m not into yoga, if I have half a brain
If I like making love at midnight in the dunes of the cape
Then you’re the love that I’ve looked for, write to you and escape

It becomes funny in a different way, but the real trick of the game is to change the tone, not the lucidity. Though I do really like the concept that the singer is amnesiac and hopes to find someone who likes the same things that his subconscious does.

Here’s this:

I broke your heart ’cause you couldn’t dance,
I didn’t even want you around
And now you’re  back to let me know you can really shake ’em down

Do I love you? (You can really move)
Do I love you? (You’re in the groove)
Now do I love you?
(Do I love you now that you can dance?)

(Do You Love Me – The Contours)

First, “’em” isn’t important here. Elsewhere, you should change it to “us” or whatever.

Then there’s the better but less clever version I thought of playing, and you can too: Only change one consistent pronoun. That means change “you” to “I or me,” so the above becomes:

Do I love me? (I can really move)
Do I love me? (I’m in the groove)
Now do I love me?
(Do I love me now that I can dance?)

That’s real narcissism! This one really latches onto the heart of most song changes. With the standard format, it sounds dry. Like the girl in the original song is admitting how shallow she is. I like that one, I like this one. You play by your own rules. Or, I dunno, just watch Goonies on your iPad.

Happy trails!

 

Amper & Sands

 

In any duo, one name will have to be the top billing. My theory is that the name listed second tends to be “heavier,” as in the syllables are more abundant. Let’s see a select few names where this is the case.

Betty & Veronica. Two to four.

Abbot & Costello. Two to three.

Simon & Garfunkel. Two to three.

Pride & Prejudice. One to three.

Now for the cases against.

Garfunkel & Oates. Three to one.

Peanut Butter & Jelly. Four to two.

Jekyll & Hyde. Two to one.

Akbar & Jeff. Two to one.

Actually, this concept seems really flawed. Now that I look at it, I think it’s just what we’re used to that determines what “sounds right.” Veronica & Betty doesn’t sound wrong by that much. Well, so much for that theory.

Wait, I don’t want to end it here. When would I ever talk about ampersands again? Maybe I can shift the concept but keep the ampersands.

I could do a “Bad Lyrics” piece about Amanda Palmer’s “Ampersand.”

---

Amanda Palmer’s Ampersand is a song with lyrics and sentiment. Man, let’s tear it the way apart here on Bad Lyrics!

I walk down my street at night
The city lights are cold and violent
I am comforted by the approaching sounds of trucks and sirens
Even though the world’s so bad
These men rush out to help the dying
And though I am no use to them
I do my part by simply smiling

---

Oh, of course I couldn’t. Her lyrics are transcendent. Heck, I don’t even like critiquing lyrics anymore. You know, for most people it’s the melody that matters. The rest is a poem.

Now what? OH! I could make some photoshop images about ampersands.

See? It’s Rouge, & and Knuckles drinking a milkshake like Archie, Betty and Veronica! Ha! Ha ha…

Nope, cannot care. It’s just a meme image and does nothing for this, the supposed article. Still, think of a cover for Archie’s Sonic comics. Rouge on one side, Veronica-esque in her approach, Knuckles as the faithful Betty on the other, the Master Emerald in between, all three sipping from a malted. PLEASE YES!

No, that’s more sidetracking. What the heck am I supposed to do?

Did you know that the conjunctions For, And, Nor, But, Or, Yet, and So spell FANBOYS? Wait, that’s about and, not ampersands. Ampersands are symbols. There go half of my unbaked concepts.

That song by Amanda Palmer… It’s about ampersands? I mean, think about it. Betty & Veronica are dependent on each other for comic sales. Betty’s simpering niceness balances out Veronica’s bratty extravagance. Alone, each one fails. Together, they become one unit. Which means they’re only defined through common interests. School, hang-outs, Archie. The ampersand binds them, killing each one. Neither can have Archie since they’re supposedly equal, barring nature, nurture, and hair.

To that end, Palmer’s “Ampersand” discusses individuality in relationships. Think about Sonic the Hedgehog for a minute. Sonic & Tails, Sonic & Knuckles. The latter is more skilled than Sonic, but they don’t do as well without the ampersand that binds. Ironically, Mario & Sonic wouldn’t sell as well if Sonic was going alone with his pals. They piggyback off of Nintendo’s success, right? It’s like…

OH! WEIGHT ISN’T THE DEAL! HEIGHT IS! To a point, that is. Batman v. Superman, for instance. Batman films just bring in the crowds. Put him first. Mario & Sonic. Simpsons & Whatever. Yeah, whatever. Whatever will bring people in, put it first then whomever is to be involved. UGH! Well, I’m not writing a new thing about ampersands, so the conclusion is that Ampersands are based on name recognition, not rhythm.

Thoughts on Things and Stuff

We’ve all have opinions about both things and stuff, but nowhere on the “net” do you see a blog that discusses both in the same place. Today, I shall be the first to address my views on things and stuff, rather than only stuff, things, or stuff and whatever.

Also, in the spirit of the season, we shall avoid all topics regarding whatever. Whatever is the uncouth individual’s thing.

 

Thing: Puddles

Unlike lakes or cups of water, puddles are pretty useless. You can’t swim in it. You can’t carry it to bed and splash your wife’s face with it. Puddles are hated so much that we ruin our coats just to distance ourselves from the very sight of them. Puddles are bad.

 

Stuff: Horns and Teeth

These are external bones, and that’s kind of unsettling. But humans don’t have horns, so at least we’re better off than cattle. And teeth at least destroy food. Horns have their purpose, but not if you are a human. Horns are bad but teeth are good.

 

Thing: This photo of Kristen Stewart and Soko’s lips pressed against each other zoomed in too much to tell what in blazes is going on

It looks like a kiss; maybe it’s not one between self-diagnosed actress K-Stew and singer Soko, but a kiss nonetheless. But who am I to judge? Maybe it’s two fists against each other, or a color-inverted, blurred, rotated photo of a turtle. Either way, all love is love, even a turtle. This photo of Kristen Stewart and Soko’s lips pressed against each other zoomed in too much to tell what in blazes is going on is good.

 

Stuff: Muggles

We all know those people: Normal, non-magic users with no knowledge of magic. Muggles might not have magic or know how to get to the Organic Potion Shop,  but they also aren’t a threat to wizards and shezards. Muggles are okay.

Thing: Canary Yellow

Canary Yellow is a slightly darker shade of Yellow that loves the human eyes. It’s the subtle change of a single hex value letter that really lets this color stand out. Canary Yellow is breathtaking.

 

Stuff: Yellow

Yellow is what happens when you throw courtesy to the wolves. Glaring, blinding Yellow lacks the Canary Yellow’s subtle E in FFEF00, along with taste and resolve. Yellow is revolting.

 

Thing: Chiyo Sakura from Monthly Girls’ Nozaki-Kun and Paras from Pokemon fanart

When you take an anime girl with orange hair, pair her with a fungus-filled Pokemon, do we get anger and hate? No! We get fanart of the two, mostly leaning on the side of Pokemon gags instead of Chiyo’s own series. I mean, it makes more sense.

Okay, I know it’s controversial, but… I heard from a friend about some people that claim this is not really a “thing,” but whatever. It’s not whatever. Those people are only trying to latch onto these fanarts and popularize whatever through its label. But it’s not. It’s a thing. Remember how we do this, guys.

Now yes, I’m one of “those,” the select few still reeling over the demotion of wooden barrels from things to whatever. Well, what’s wrong with that? Look, we can give things the label whatever, but in the end it’s the things that are hurt, and according to recent government polls (mandated by the TSW Association), 73% of Americans find it harder to relate to a thing when it’s been demoted to whatever. Can you wrap your head around that? Numbers may lie, but not that high. What more can I give you? It’s time to rise up against this lightheaded obsession with whatever! Call your local politician! Tell your friends that they have a choice! No whatever! Things forever! NO WHATEVER! THINGS FOREVER!

Chiyo Sakura and Paras fanart is good.

 

Stuff: A photo of a turtle, before being color-inverted, blurred, or rotated

This photo of a turtle that is untouched by modern editing tools soothes my nerves. Stuff stays away from the thing/whatever debate and lives its own life, spreading peace and love to all who examine its splendor. Look at that shell, sturdy and protective, but at the same moment humbling. Those claws, digging and burying tools for her young. Being a turtle, a photo, stuff… what a way it must be. It is enlightening.

 

Thing: This sign that raves “Whatever!”

The irony of this “Whatever!” sign being a thing is not lost on me. I mean, it’s not like the opposite has never happened. Thing 2 from The Cat in the Hat is whatever (but not Thing 1, which is trash). I know the fact that the sign promotes whatever should anger me, but it’s so obviously a thing in its essence that I have to give it leeway. So… Yeah. This sign with Whatever Propaganda is fine, alright? I’m not made of stone.

 

Stuff: This gorgeous forest bridge

See, this is the stuff that stuff is made out of. I feel a serenity, a universal oneness with the whole of creation. Although it’s a little too good. I’m feeling disappointed in my own weak art skills. This forest bridge gets my “meh” rating. Better luck next time; we can’t all be perfect.

 

NO WHATEVER! THINGS FOREVER! NO WHATEVER! THINGS FOREVER!

100 Wrongs Superman Committed in “Crybaby of Metropolis”

Man, Superman is neat. But backwards, neat is mean. Wait… Um, yeah, sometimes he can be an utter tool to his friends. I believe his worst debacle was “The Crybaby of Metropolis.” You can read it here for context. Anyway, here’s a jumbled list of 100 Superm… um… It’s in the title.

1. Turning Lois into a baby instead of saving people.
2. Turning Lois into a baby because unlike making her shoot green light from her eyes, this transformation would have killed her.
3. Turning Lois into a baby and calling up his old girlfriend to laugh at Lois.
4. Turning Lois into a baby instead of someone who really deserved it.
5. Turning Lois into a baby even though it was never tested on humans before.
6. Turning Lois into a baby, beginning the Age Regression fetish.
7. Turning Lois into a baby and the story ends two panels early and with Lois still as a baby, probably because Superman was too late to give her the antidote and she faced a terrible unbirth, so it was censored.
8. Turning Lois into a baby when she probably had more important things planned to do that day, like literally anything else.
9. Turning Lois into a baby and letting her crawl into a lead pipe.
10. Turning Lois into a baby because she has a curious nature, which is a great attribute for a reporter, while all of this reflects poorly on superheroes.
11. Turning Lois into a baby and taking a day off from work, leaving Perry without his two best reporters for the day.
12. Turning Lois into a baby because he has a major God Complex that, due to serums bouncing off of him, no one can treat by turning him into a baby.
13. Turning a chicken into an egg, which can’t accept a liquid antidote.
14. Making Lois waste the present she planned to give her cousin just to walk outside.
15. Superman enabling the cops by rushing into the station to help a child in a locked safe, essentially begging the cops to help him waste time by calling up for more mundane emergencies in the future.
16. Ruining the entire door of the safe Lois was trapped in instead of just crunching the knob.
17. When the cops wonder where the missing toddler went, Superman brushes them off in favor of a baby who suddenly manifested, probably looking like an insensitive jerk to the policemen.
18. From Lois’ perspective, Superman and Lana are the type of people who would find a lost baby and spend no effort looking for the mother.
19. Superman destroys more public property when Lois is trapped in a lead pipe.
20. Neither adult puts Lois in clothing, meaning she’s an adult woman in the body of a baby with nothing on but a diaper.
21. The premise hinges on Lois’s curiosity and how she needs to be taught a lesson, but that’s like trying to stop a cat from eating a slightly poisoned mouse to make it a vegetarian. The cat won’t know since it’ll never understand you, nor will it or anyone see the cat as in the wrong, since your actions were way worse.
22. The reprints mention that back in the day, “heat” and “X-ray” vision were one, meaning Superman was considering toasting a baby.
23. Superman probably bullied that scientist into helping him do this to Lois.
24. Pretty much all of the other Lois transformations allowed her to get help. Here, Superman puts her into a position where she’s both too scared to ask him outright and unable to speak or walk properly.
25. Their relationship is such that she uses the word “disobey” when referring to Superman way more than any healthy relationship should.
26. This was his day. He planned it all, including the bit with the baby bottle. He wanted to embarrass her. Even if she were a teen and began to confess that she stole into the lab, he’d probably make rain fall or something just to finish his plan.
27. This is all his fault to begin with. His godly body made her insecure about her own appearance and drove her to such lengths.
28. He could’ve just validated her appearance, but he never does.
29. Lois is clearly trapped in a loveless crush, but Superman taunts her with Lana, crushing her confidence more and burying her in too deep.
30. Do you think they kept Lois in the crib overnight?
31. Did Superman crash on Lana’s couch with the crib inches away, muttering things like “My true identity is… mumble snxxxxzzz…”?
32. Did Superman wake up early to see a topless diapered Lois and laugh at her and store the scene away in his mind for private use?
33. Do you think Lois cried all day at her desk, inches away from Clark Kent, listening attentively about how horrible Superman was to her but vividly picturing what he saw earlier and explaining that he’d love to join Lois into the break room but he can’t stand up right now?
34. Making Lois hang out with teenagers.
35. Not only does he follow one woman around all day, but stands over the girl scouts’ event, which isn’t really a group a man should be overseeing.
36. Making Lois subconsciously want to be shot with rays by Superman is probably another fetish for a messed-up monster.
37. What if Lois freaked out and hid in her room all day instead of going out for a cure?
38. Or checked herself into a hospital for an X-ray in vain?
39. Or went into work like she wasn’t losing height and verbal abilities?
40. When Lois goes into a panic and beats her fists on Superman’s chest, he tells her to “Take it easy, Lois.” Like, it’s only the worst trauma you’ll ever have. No need to freak out. Dick.
41. Did he once consider that if she’s getting younger, it might be at a different rate than that of the chicken?
42. Did he once consider that the lesson he wants to get across is not only petty but also hypocritical? Her nosiness and his God Complex are different forms of micromanaging.
43. This whole thing probably didn’t help his li’l buddy, Jimmy, score any points with Lois’s sister Lucy.
44. Lois could potentially have lingering physical effects from that day. Bed-wetting trauma springs to mind.
45. What if Superman got called off to fight Doomsday (of the 1950’s)? BOOP. Gone Lois, gone.
46. Lois likely realized how no one really interacts with or needs her. She left her apartment as a teenager, no one asked where she was; it’s not like she’s a high-level reporter or anything.
47. Same thing with Superman, so he signs up for events he’s needed at least, like a charity dance. Why not just bite the Kryptonite bullet?
48. It’s not that Superman of the 50’s liked to mess around, but rather that he needed to get trust as an alien in a xenophobic world, so he was a mischievous goof instead of a savior. Usually causing mischief on people who’d talk to him.
49. He used a brand new breakthrough in science to hurt people.
50. Thanks to him, that science probably went unused.
51. They just sat and watched her crawl into the pipe. Their adult legs should have made it there first.
52. He outright calls it a “gag.” Whatta schmuck.
53. Dream Superman is such a dick that he leaves Lois forever just for busting a machine.
54. Lois is so distraught at the idea of losing Superman, even though all he ever does is manipulate her.
55. Superman thinks about how he hopes Lois isn’t too curious at the research facility, as it gets her into hot water. Which is why he purposely has her get into hot water?
56. Lois notes she hasn’t seen Superman in weeks, but we can infer she’s seen Clark consistently. Wow, Superman is really that lazy. It’s never mentioned what he was doing.
57. Superman and the professor go into another room to see an invention, and for some reason (the plan), Lois can’t come. They restrict her from doing anything or joining them. Like, really? No wonder she gets itchy feet.
58. Part of the professor’s lines hinge on how great and special Superman’s x-ray vision is. Ego Trip Station, please.
59. Superman can play a one-man band, which I can believe. But he seriously knows the cello, piano, trumpet and drums? My God, he definitely wants humanity to feel like dirt.
60. Girl Scout Lois asks for help lighting firewood (ah, the days gone by), and Superman refuses unless she does a good deed for the day. Even though he’s there to help everyone.
61. The good deed is to find a missing cat, but Lois brings back a skunk. The cat goes missing, and I’m guessing this is another gag on his part. “Hey, scoutmaster, there’s a missing cat around here. Black, white stripes.”
62. He should probably keep an eye on the police department. Lost Lois is offered a police club if she stops crying. He lets this guy walk the beat?
63. Superman never lets the boys in blue on the gag, although they never notice the pink dress lying in the safe. MICROMANAGE THIS DEPARTMENT.
64. As they’re never let in on the gag, the cops have a squandered squadron looking for a nonexistent distraught mother.
65. Lana suggests they adopt Lois (whose mother is presumably freaked out by now), and Superman hems, haws, but does not say no. These two deserve each other.
66. Lana claims she has baby things in her house courtesy of a visiting friend. Likeliest answer: She wanted to humiliate her rival. No, really, they deserve each other.
67. Lois follows Superman and Lana into a garden (a decrepit lot). They left her alone? What happened in those days that you could just do that?
68. Only Superman could “grin broadly” when the suffering of his friends are involved.
69. Everything in the last four panels. Just… everything. Superman’s initial stern face when explaining the prank to Lois.
70. Carrying Baby Lois under his arm like a briefcase.
71. He says he found out she used the youth booth only when a warning flashed on the screen. But… why was Lois left alone?
72. Plus, the professor and Superman devised that elaborate antidote hoax awful quickly.
73. And the professor just happened to have had another chicken sitting around.
74. I’m just saying, I think it was all planned before they walked into the laboratory. He wanted her to squirm, and by disappearing for a few weeks, her paranoia led her right into his trap.
75. X-ray vision: It could start fires, cure unaging, count jellybeans, and spot where Lois is. The perfect tool to screw with your friends.
76. Lana Lang, leaning against the tree, smug that Superman didn’t choose her for this atrocity and yukking it up over her rival’s demise. This woman is sinister and a cruel cherry on Lois’s ash cake.
77. He put the antidote in a bottle, not only to humiliate, but to dominate.
78. He shoves said bottle into her mouth like punching a beehive.
79. This looks almost painful for Lois. She wiggles her feet, raises her eyebrows and makes a hand that almost says “STOP!”
80. While he forces her to drink, Superman continues to explain how ingenious his plan was. Douuuuuche.
81. Super-sleight of hand? Stop adding your brand to everything you do. “I’m Super-putting up a compost heap!”
82. Lana’s large tilted head while she, amused with this turn of events, exists only as a means to draw distance from Lois and Superman. In a way, that might make Lana a good person.
83. This line:”So drink up, baby…” UGGGGGGHHHHH
84. I mean, did he not already win? Calling her a baby like it wasn’t a terrible day?
85. Forget about drinking. Did she eat all day? We never see her eating or drinking. I guess food and water are unnecessary for a shrinking girl…
86. He’s so nonchalant about this, especially since the times he was a baby, he was a) fully clothed and b) super-powered. No compassion.
87. The other half of the line. “Or Papa spank!” GAAAAAAAAAAAAAH
88. Doubles the creepiness when you realize a man is saying this to a woman with consciousness inside of a baby. Say it to a casual female acquaintance.
89. Triples the creepiness when you remember that time Superman made one of his robot duplicates spank Lois while he watched. HE’S GOT IT BAD, MAN.
90. Quadruples the creepiness when you reestablish their relationship in your mind. Now, they’re a happy couple (maybe, or Wonder Woman is with him?), but then, this was who she wanted to marry. And afterwards, she was fine. No one here is healthy, and Superman is proving that she’s too broken to leave him.
91. She does begin to contemplate murder. She swears it. He turned a once-respected member of the journalist world into a cold-blooded killer.
92. She’s so embarrassed that she makes glugging noises in her head.
93. Someone get that bow out of her hair. It’s hideous. Superman, did you…? He’s smiling broadly.
94. Superman does not know how to hold a baby, even if it’s more life a football.
95. Did he ever consider confronting her about how often she gets into scrapes?
96. Did he ever reevaluate his life, like how he burned up his parents who were really aliens in disguise, and he knew because they accidentally switched glasses? It was a real rush to be right in a horrible way, and he wanted to get more, more, more.
97. He wears his underpants on the outside of his uniform. The women are obviously uncomfortable, but his might shuts them up fast.
98. Making the woman he kinda sorta likes wallow in anguish also gives him a rush. This comic is his magnum opus of humiliation.
99. He hates Alice in Wonderland because the book gets “Curiouser and curiouser…”
100. The worst part is how often he’s nice to Lois, like when she helps Lana to determine if her book is realistic by living the role. Superman gives her enough space and when he finds out, he praises her for being nice to someone Lois finds usually difficult to be around. It makes nonsensically malicious motives like this hard to read sometimes.