Jock, Nerd, Goth – We Bare Bears

There are about six recurring characters on the cartoon series “We Bare Bears,” all with different kinds of insecurities. I see the show as an inner-doubt showcase, displaying its characters in a modern setting, potentially as a means to address the issues the cast frequently display, with the audience noting them on a personal level. A kindred sense of self-worthlessness.

The show features three bears living in San Francisco, a college girl, a meme sensation koala, and a Sasquatch. So that first paragraph is unduly pretentious. I’ve had a concept of the six characters falling into some kind of insecurity grid, but it’s taken me months to figure it out: The Breakfast Club.

I most often use The Breakfast Club to compare series that feature groups of five characters. Let’s pretend the above Kevin Keller cover featured Betty, not Kevin. Reggie would stay Bender, because duh. Veronica would make way more sense as socialite Claire, not goth Allison, which obviously belongs to Betty. Archie would be Andy because he’s got a vision of justice and has been on every sports team ever. Finally, Jughead would be brainy Brian, who ends up with no one by the end of the film. (I would love to see Mr. Weatherbee ask Reggie to hit him.)

See? I’ve applied it elsewhere. Like comparing The Breakfast Club with the emotions of Inside Out.

But this time, I’ve gone a different route. I used the classic film to test my theory of “All characters can be a jock, nerd, or goth.” I call it the “Not A Good Name Theory.” Here’s the haps: The five main characters in The Breakfast Club can fall into one of three categories.

Jock: After comparing all five with one another, it seemed that conceptually, Andy and Bender were essentially the same, just Light vs. Dark. Both crave attention through speech and action, but Andy is Mr. Justice and Bender is King Villain. The jock’s insecurity, it seems, would be the attention of physical beings. Bender lashes out, Andy acts the hero. (Also whatever personal details they reveal in the film.)

Nerd: There’s a timidness to the nerd, but it’s not like they can’t function. Brian and Claire live in this section. Brian goes out of his way to be nice to the custodian, follows the rules, whatever else I missed. He also feels validated through grades, essentially numbers that seldom matter. Claire’s the social butterfly, so all eyes are on her. She herself (unlike other cliches of her ilk) is not cruel or a high-roller. She has to maintain an appearance for her and her family’s sake. Both do show tendencies to be pushed too far, but overall live in the more modest range of public emotions. The insecurity here is the unseen people; Claire’s social norms reflect her family and school life, Brian is nice to everyone to feel validated and keeps his emotions in too long before he bursts.

Goth: Not “Goth” per se, but it felt it was easily recognizable and matched the 4-letter word theme. Allison is quiet quite often, but gradually speaks as the film progresses. She’s usually off doing her own thing, like using her dandruff for art. When she tries to talk to the others, she comes off as bizarre and unnatural, constantly creating symptoms for herself. She’s something in between the jock and nerd. The goth can have boldness and confidence, but lacks continual invested interest to be noticed, like a jumpscare. The goth also has the shyness of the nerd and the typical  high level of artistic talent, but inherently frightens people away, due to nature or appearance. The insecurity (the main one, at least) is an antisocial nature, but trying to blend in with people your loved ones like. Allison starts to like the Breakfast Club, but she gets hurt because she can’t act normally around others.

Back to the bears. SO! As there are six characters (not including Chloe’s parents or background characters), we’ll sort the cast into two and two and two.

Jock: The insecurity is “the attention of physical beings.” Well, Grizz is always craving the approval of others and the need to feel cool. He’s the first to speak out between the three bears, and his attention-seeking is a little too high-decibel for some. Meanwhile, internet star Nom Nom is rude, boisterous, and smarmy. But he breaks down if he loses or if his fans desert him. There, it’s based on a monetary need, but it’s reflected in his personality and actions, like putting others in danger to be noticed.

Nerd: The insecurity is “the unseen people.” Panda is almost always looking at his social media websites, craving attention from large numbers. He does create images and people do enjoy them, but he doesn’t really do it out of passion for photography. While he is soft-spoken, Panda will hold emotions in until something turns sour. Chloe, still in college, has both the grade-seeking and the fear of peers, such as when her ringtone is mocked. She’s pleasant to everyone, but sometimes displays a defeatist attitude or overcompensation.

Goth: The insecurity is “an antisocial nature, but trying to blend in.” Ice Bear speaks softly, seldom as an adult and never as a child, stemming from developmental issues, perhaps. He prefers being alone, but genuinely wants to interact with his loved ones, even if they clash on matters of taste. He takes things too literally, obsesses over personal interests, and seems to be the only bear to hold a grudge. He’s also super-talented, but all of this boils down to “He can’t interact with most people and is particular in general.” Charlie the Sasquatch is the opposite of Ice Bear, however. He’s very outspoken, but doesn’t want attention from humans. His main goth factor is shying away from others and awkward interactions, like being a poor winner at basketball and interacting with a snake. He also frightens people (despite not looking that bizarre compared to the bears), scaring off people based on appearance (and nature, for the bears at least.)

What the heck does the title mean? Is it that they are “bare bears,” that their emotions and insecurities have made visible for all the world to see? That. Let’s go with that.

Just a Quick Adventure Time Theory – The Ocean

This is a spoiler theory, so turn those tabs to “close tab” if you don’t want anything spoiled.

Starting from Season One Episode 16, “Ocean of Fear,” Finn the Human harbored a fear of the ocean that by the end of the episode he still couldn’t shake off. Finn learns from wise men that the mark of a great hero is his flaw, and that Finn is Ooo’s greatest hero.

Like most events in the first season, this came back in a later season to conclude. In “Billy’s Bucket List,” the finale of Season Five, Finn conquered his fear of the ocean for Billy’s sake. Billy’s spirit calls himself a “great hero,” possibly echoing “Ocean of Fear,” and perhaps regrets not being able to get over his own potential fear of the ocean. That’s conjecture, however, and irrelevant to my point.

Finn is informed by Billy that his father, Martin, is alive and is held in a space prison, The Citadel. From here on, it’s nothing but horrible discoveries about Martin and that he doesn’t care about Finn. However, the two later bond in the Season Six episode, “The Visitor.” Finn finally asks about what happened years ago, why Martin and his wife weren’t with him as a baby.

Martin: Haha! Whoops. [sighs] Okay, uh, long story short—you were born on a… boat… I guess. Like a… banana boat.

[Flashback begins. Thunderclouds roll over a boat as it rises and falls on the waves.]

Martin: In the middle of the ocean. So… all kinds of stuff tried to eat you—[Martin kicks a shark in the nose.] whales and fish… squids… [Martin spears a squid.] uh, there was a tiger… [Martin hits a tiger with a plank.] and… seaweeds. [A wave buries Finn in a pile of seaweed.] The sea’s weeds.

Baby Finn: [babbles]

[Flashback ends.]

Martin: Your mom was… okay? I don’t know. Talking about it stresses me out. Maybe later.

[Flashback resumes.]

Martin: So one day, I got called on a dangerous mission— [A giant ship shines light on the stranded boat.] no, like a dangerous life choice, two roads diverging in the night and all that. And I couldn’t bring you along. I always planned to come back for you, but I didn’t. That’s… true. The end!

(Transcript ruthlessly copied and pasted from The Adventure Time Wiki)

Okay, it’s not all there, but it’s enough to work off of. First, Billy only told Finn about Martin when he felt Finn would be mature enough to handle it; when Finn could defeat his fear of the ocean. But Finn has fears of clowns and other such things. Well, read the transcript. If anything can be deduced, Finn got his fear of the ocean from being born.He was “born on a boat,” so obviously (and if Martin can be trusted here) Finn was experiencing daily trauma living on the ocean.

It looks like Martin abandoned Finn and his mom, or perhaps she was already gone at that point, which explains his hesitance to discuss her. Did she leave without Finn, even? What could be worse than Martin that Billy never mentioned her? I digress, and wish to summarize.

Finn’s fear of the ocean stems from a fear from birth or extreme adolescence. Billy told Finn about Martin only when Finn conquered his fear; likely to prepare him for a worse fear: Martin. Martin oddly fears discussion of his child’s mother, who was also on “the banana boat.” It’s a chain of fear here.

One more thing to note. The second episode of the Season Seven “Stakes” mini-series shows Marceline interacting with a colony of humans. What mode of transportation do they use to leave their continent? A boat. On the ocean. Did something in the water get them? Why haven’t we seen more than the continent of Ooo than we do? Is there nothing beyond the ocean, or is there too much to comprehend?

The waters of Ooo are no place to explore.

Classic Children’s Books with Less-Than Stellar Morals

Know a kid who won’t eat new foods? Open up the ol’ Green Eggs & Ham. He’ll eat and subsequently hate that tuna and pineapple casserole. Smart-mouthed child acting up? Make ’em read Peter Pan! That’ll teach ’em how sadistic your punishments are. Daughter robbed a bank? Call the police. No need for a book; they have plenty to throw at her.

Books are important to shape our future, and based on the adults of today, the future seems hit or miss. Also hit or miss are various morals in kid’s reading material. Dr. Seuss usually hit the mark, but other popular books generally serve to entertain or teach, not a superlative balance of both. Let’s look at some books that don’t really give a great lesson.

Reminder, it’s not the end that should define a book, but the sum of its parts. Most of these books are stellar. Just not their latent morals.

The Very Hungry Caterpillar – Caterpillars experience metamorphosis. Not terrible, certainly true. Maybe it’s like Kevin Smith’s Clerks, just showing a day in the life of this small, pathetic insect.

Caps For Sale – Anger is the best way to solve your problems. Oh, whatever. It’s entertaining. And he didn’t threaten to hurt any monkeys, so it’s all good. Now More Caps For Sale, that should be kept away from the kids.

The Cat in the Hat Comes Back – VOOM is a letter of the alphabet. Like I said, kid’s book sequels are worthless. Wasn’t the moral of The Cat in the Hat that it’s fun to have fun as long you clean up after? The whole premise of this sequel is cleaning up. Where’s the fun for the kids?

Grimm’s Fairy Tales – You always win if you are good. Why Cinderella? Because her whole history is jambled and gurbled. Is she Aschenputtel? How about Two-Eyes, with sisters who bear one and three eyes? Maybe she’s the one where she murders her stepmother and gets a worse one and even more stepsisters? Where’s the justice for the original author? The animated Disney film version clogs out acceptance of substitutes. And she suffers, but magic and animals help her, from no effort of her own, to escape.

They’re often like this, with magic old folks and one bare-bones act of kindness. Some aren’t. Hans My Hedgehog features a human born as a hedgehog with a bagpipe who rides a chicken wearing shoes who molests and scars a princess who scorns him. Then he marries a kind princess and becomes a hunky human.

You sometimes win if you are horrendous. But even then, Hans barely suffered for his redemption. He was okay with being a hedgehog, so it’s not like Beauty and the Beast. Let’s take Dr. Seuss, because there, the leads don’t always win. The Lorax (the book, duh) has the protagonist disappear in gloom and the villain close himself off. There’s only potential satisfaction if the kid learns from the past, but certainly nothing definite.

It’s engaging to see an ending where it’s not always positive. Even if endings are positive, suffering throughout the book should weigh nearly evenly with how happy the lead will be by the end. Take any Horton book. Don’t forget unresolved endings, like the Butter Battle Book. Bottom line, kids need to read books. Books are great! Also, stuff about how kids need to learn about disappointment or something. Meh.

Clifford the Big Red Dog – Pets are easy to take care of. Yeah. No grocery bills, leash laws, jumbo dog toys, distraught cat owners, half-eaten vets, or giant dog droppings can convince me otherwise.

Frog and Toad – Toads are stupid. Unlike The Very Hungry Caterpillar, this seems factually untrue. According to one page of research, toads will stop short at the edge of a table while frogs jump off. Plus, maybe Toad is smarter. Who reads Frog and Toad for Frog?

Goodnight Moon – Rabbits require large bedrooms. Hey, don’t rabbits give birth in liters or something? Is this somehow a single-child household? Did the other bunnies get eaten and they dote on this one, or are they in other rooms and the rabbits gave each bunny its own room for no reason? Dumb rabbits.

Dumb rabbits to us all.

The Harmony of Grass, Fire, and Water

I love me some rock-paper-scissors match-ups. I love the three-sided competitive equality when you have different attacking elements. Pokemon takes that to the next level with 18 types and more possibilities than “strong or weak.” Mainly, I love the Grass-Fire-Water trio. Each game begins with an option of one of these choices, so it’s evenhanded against your opponents from the get-go.

Lately, I’ve noticed different places in real life that use the Grass-Fire-Water Trio. For the sake of fairness, “Grass” means “is or once was a plant or part of a plant.” So veggies, fruits, wood, all fair game. “Fire” is “heat and hot things.” Not a lot of literal fire in nature. And “Water,” well, Water is water for the most part. But also ice or beverages, potentially cold, but doubtful, given Fire would remove the cold.

First, Pokemon Black & White established…

Tea: Tea leaves, Heating up the teapot, Pour the water.

If you change the Grass element, you get a number of other things.

Coffee with cocoa beans.

Soup with vegetables.

And so on.

Volcanic Island: Water all around, Trees surrounding, Lava within

Oasis: Heat above, Trees around, Water within

Fast Food Order: Meat heated up, Icy beverage, Potatoes fried

French Fries: Potatoes, Dunked, in Boiling water

-Relaxation Techniques: Seaweed wrap, Hot coals, Bathing

Sauna: Wood decor, Steam (both Fire and Water)

Hair Maintenance: Herbal shampoo, Blow-dryer, Rinse

-States of Matter: Solid Wood, Liquid Water, Gaseous Flame

Bong: Water, Heat, Weed

Bread: Wheat, Water for the dough, Baking

Beer: Barley, Heat, Water

Finally, Life Necessities.

Grass is Comfort. Wooden Walls shielding us from the wind, Blankets made Hemp, Things that are Natural that feel right instead of chemically.

Fire is Energy. Heat from the Sun. Passion to move, to create. The Summer that I will lose weight for so I have a beach body.

Water is Renewal. We drink water to Invigorate, Refuel the interior decor. Water Cleans, Removes the exterior toxins. It Calms, Gives a sense of ease to the emotions.

It’s a cycle. Sleep. Run. Refuel. Sleep. Run. Refuel. Is this bad? No, of course not. This is the way of the world itself. The seasons are the land’s way of sleeping, running, and refueling. If the land can do it year in, year out, what shame is there for us to follow?

Also, Water is totally broken. Like, really really REALLY broken compared to the other two types. I choose you, Rain Lady.

spoon+ – Chameleon (カメレオン) Music Video Interpretation

 

I don’t know why, but I feel oddly drawn to this music video by spoon+. Yeah, the name, I know. The title of the song is essentially “Chameleon,” but we’re not going to bother with lyrics. I want to look at the context of the video. So watch it first, okay?

The first thing we see is spoon+’s blank slate. Is she a baby, a child of innocence at this point? Potentially.

Then she walks into the pink room. Pink is unjustly associated with childishness, mostly of the feminine variety. The human chameleons have pink eyes and a pure white body. This means their only viewpoint is “pink.” The different eye colors throughout the video represent narrow worldviews. These pink-eyed buddies dress spoon+ childishly. So they’re probably representative of parents or teachers, more likely parents.

They drag her to the table as they all bang their utensils. spoon+ is going through the motions, only acting as a chameleon herself, not questioning these creatures. But (GASP!) One of her pink buttons turns yellow! The pink chameleons throw her out, much in the way a parent might do if they discover their child is gay. They also throw out her yellow button, as they do not want certain concepts to linger in their home.

While spoon+ laments her fate, a yellow chameleon hops up to her and takes her button. She follows it to discover a yellow land. These chameleons lack the structure of the pink creatures, sitting on ladders, watering spoon+ like a plant, overall giving representation of “freer” stages of life. College or traveling abroad allows spoon+ to get a new worldview, but it turns her outfit yellow. Yellow is a bright, sunny color, something in the range of artistic.

spoon+ has more freedom, but dudes keep mackin’ on her. She only wants the freedom of life, not love. spoon+ chases a blue butterfly to the blue room. Here, it’s orderly and elegant. spoon+ grows out of her open period and gains her blue period. She’s an adult now, and blends in with the blue-eyed chameleons with another wardrobe change. This isn’t your cyan-variety blue; this is a deep, calm blue. spoon+ has mellowed out.

Then a human male arrives on the scene. He wants to dance. It’s love, right? They dance, the various chameleons dancing with them. He makes her feel everything at once: childish, free, mature. Then he commands the chameleons to dress her again, as he walks out. He dumped her. Note that it took multiple chameleons to change spoon+’s views, but the guy commanded them all to change her just by leaving. That’s the power of heart-break.

spoon+ is now all mixed-up. She is everything and therefore nothing. Her outfit is tattered, her hair is ragged. The drug-addict explanation is easiest, but I like to think it more as depression. See, she’s got everything on her, so she can’t decide when she was happiest. She has no identity to bounce off of, leading all the creatures to avoid her.

Finally, we get one last chameleon variety: The gray eyes. They may represent bad things happening to her, such as depression, doubt, death. They tear her apart, leaving nothing left. I mean, that’s what she was, nothing.

So what’s the message? Well, it is called “Chameleon,” so it’s obviously talking about trying to have your own views and not trying so hard to fit in. But there’s also the point that the different species have different approaches, so looking around like spoon+ did could be a good thing. Just don’t let a broken heart end up defining you.

American Dad & South Park’s Four Boys

What has been will be again, what has been done will be done again; there is nothing new under the sun. – Ecclesiastes 1:9

SIMPSONS DID IT! – South Park 6:7

Inevitably, shows can only pair groups of characters in so many ways. For your consideration, South Park and American Dad. Four boys going on numerous adventures. But also, they fall into similar categories. How so, I may ask? Let me find out for you!

Stan and Steve

Deals with an insane father with a surprisingly high-level job.

Best friend is Jewish.

Dated an activist with long black hair and a purple outfit.

Has an often angry older sister.

 

Kyle and Snot

Jewish, often used as a source of humor.

Extremely easy to ship with their best friend.

The one to get annoyed most by his friends’ ridiculous behaviors.

Barry and Cartman

Fat.

Severe mental issues, partially sexual, such as hallucinating a sexual partner.

Has an evil side.

Serves mostly as a hindrance for the boys.

Toshi and Kenny

Unintelligible; although he can speak normally, he chooses not to.

Has the best luck with women of his friends.

Has the opposite financial situation of his Jewish friend.

Has a wide range of talents, including music

and combat.

Very protective of his younger sister.

 

Well, I hope now I’ve enlightened you. Maybe there’s some connections you can spot on your own between American Park and South Dad.

Thanks for stopping by, and watch out for the alien in the wig!

Bad Lyrics: “Do They Know It’s Christmas” by Band Aid

 

I originally wrote this on December 26, 2014. I decided to wait until Christmas of 2015 to accurately draw in the spirit of Christmas, a time of giving and displaying love towards fellow man. Nope, nope, obviously not. I was hoping to generate more internet traffic this way. That’s the true meaning of the season.

Anyway, please excuse outdated references and my awkward style. I could fix it, but ask yourself: Are you worth it? Merry!

---

 

(Paul Young)

It’s Christmas time

There’s no need to be afraid

At Christmas time

Well, that’s quite reassuring, Paul! Quite reassuring indeed! I hope the tone is this relaxed throughout.

We let in light and we banish shade

Wait, I know that “shade” and “afraid” rhyme, but I personally like shade. Also, not very threatening. “Turn to the shady side, Skywalker!”

(Boy George)

And in our world of plenty

Uh-oh. “Our world of plenty”? I have a bad feeling.

We can spread a smile of joy

Throw your arms around the world

At Christmas time

A smile of joy. Hmm… I’ve heard of crying with joy. Does “smiling with bitterness” make sense? As much as imagining what a physical manifestation of throwing your arms around the world would look like. At Christmas time.

(George Michael)

But say a prayer

Pray for the other ones

At Christmas time it’s hard

Yes, it is hard. At Christmas time. For us. For them, I don’t think it’s significantly different. “Them,” by the way, refers to Africans. They say “Africans” once. Hmm. Hey, how about saying the name of the people you want helped more than once?

(Simon LeBon)

But when you’re having fun

There’s a world outside your window

Nice. I try to get a little R & R after finishing my finals, now you want me to go out and freeze to death. You sound just like my parents.

(George Michael)

And it’s a world of dread and fear

Where the only water flowing is

This line is gonna hurt, isn’t it?

(Bono joins in)

He wasn’t invited, but far be it from Bono to pass up the chance to sing about starving children.

The bitter sting of tears

Oh, is Sting coming too?

And the Christmas bells that are ringing

Are clanging chimes of doom

I have literally never heard physical Christmas bells ring. I mean, how do they differ from the town’s bell in the clock tower? Speaking of, if every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings, would a big bell give many angels wings? Would the ringing give one angel giant wings? If I rang the Liberty Bell, would the angel get cracked wings? It doesn’t matter; since the clanging chimes signify doom, only devils get their wings. “That’s right, Pazuzu.”

(Bono only)

Well, tonight thank God it’s them instead of you.

Alright, now I’m convinced Bono wasn’t invited. No one backed him up one. Hell, I wouldn’t.

(Everyone)

And there won’t be snow in Africa this Christmas time.

You don’t say? Thank God, since I doubt the animals could survive.

The greatest gift they’ll get this year is life

They might beg to differ.

Where nothing ever grows

No rain or rivers flow

To misquote Lindsey Ellis, “Except for the largest river in the world.” Also, I will not sit here and listen to you contradict Toto’s “Africa.”

Do they know it’s Christmas time at all?

I doubt they care. “Oh! Christmas is tonight! Thank goodness I’m here and not there, where they don’t get to drink from the Sting of Bitter Tears Lake!”

Feed the world

Let them know it’s Christmas time

Feed the world

Do they know it’s Christmas time at all?

You want me to let them know it’s Christmas time, then ask if they know it’s Christmas time. Fire your writers. All of them.

(Paul Young)

Here’s to you

raise a glass for everyone

Here’s to them

underneath that burning sun

Do they know it’s Christmas time at all?

So you’re cognizant of the fact that Africa is usually hot. Good. Also, this is way more condescending to “us” and “them” than it needs to be.

Chorus

(Everyone)

Feed the world

Feed the world

Feed the world

Let them know it’s Christmas time again

Feed the world

Let them know it’s Christmas time again

Feed the world

Let them know it’s Christmas time again

I always love reading lyrics. Lines like these are up there with Shakespeare. Marco Billy Bob Shakespeare.

Repeat

And repeat they did, thirty years later. Actually fitting, since they center it around Ebola. They have One Direction, Ellie Goulding, and… BONO. Of course. Plus a number of names I don’t recognize. Regarding the Ebola direction, the opening cinematic is chilling, although I feel less bad since WE HAVE IT HERE. IN NEW YORK. Or had; the Multiverse News Machine that is the internet hasn’t really been discussing it, and this was in November. One thing that cracks me up is the video description.

Band Aid 30 – ‘Do They Know It’s Christmas’

Buy the song. Stop the virus. #BandAid30

Download now on iTunes – http://po.st/DoTheyKnow

Google Play – http://po.st/DoTheyKnowGp

Please donate: http://www.bandaid30.com/donate

They found it more important for people to buy the song than to donate. Class act. Merry… ah, it just ended.

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Now, wasn’t I ahead of the curve? Ebola. One Direction. Topical. I’m so glad I waited a year to post this. Merry… ah, you know what you are.

 

22 Problems Only Women With Big Feet Understand With Zoidberg Gifs

It’s a small world after all, right ladies? If you’ve got your eye on a pair of pumps and you’re an 11 1/2, you’re going home with pumps, all right… pump-up sneakers, that is! Do they still sells those? Here are 22 other problems women with big feet go through, accompanied with hilarious gifs to juxtapose the pain with light-hearted “Oh, that’s so me in the gif” reactions!

And who better to represent the under-appreciated larger-sized women than Zoidberg? Well, why not Zoidberg?

1. Being told, “Well, Audrey Hepburn had huge feet, and she’s considered one of the most attractive women in the world!” Yeah, and Audrey thought she was ugly. This isn’t about how I look to you, but to myself.

   

2. High heels. Shoe size correlates with height, so on average, a size-ten will belong to a tall woman. Therefore, high-heeled shoes typically cause an awkward effect on the statuesque individual.

   

3. If there’s a scenario that requires a circus or carnival, you can bet that if you’re not asked to be a clown, some wiseacre will say, “Why isn’t she the clown? She’ll fit perfectly in the shoes!”

   

4. When you’re shopping for shoes in the aisle that segregates normal women from the Sasquatch freaks, and you can’t find shoes that aesthetically appeal to your senses. Like, get a clue!

   

5. Same scenario, although your attention is drawn to the sign that says “BOGO! BUY ONE GET ONE AS AN ATTEMPT TO TAP INTO YOUR NAIVE UNDERSTANDING OF WHAT CONSTITUTES AS A BARGAIN!” Uh, please. I have enough trouble buying one.

   

6. Same scenario, although your attention is drawn to the male shoppers in the Sasquatch aisle. They complain, “There’s never anything cute in the men’s section. Black, brown, gray. I saw beige sneaks once. That was a find. But this aisle, which I can only assume is for straight yet more flamboyant men, this is a thing of wonder.” Talk about embarrassing!

   

7. Same scenario, but the constant fear of being in an environment with potentially lurking foot fetishists. No, you don’t get it, and it does make you a bit queasy that guys may be attracted to your feet, but back in high school, you did know Mike.

   

8. Growing up with big feet was tough. The guys all laughed at you, the girls, if they didn’t laugh at you, hit on you because they thought you were a pretty guy. Mike seemed genuinely to like you. He had this weird habit of looking at the ground, right at your feet, almost. Kind of silly to think about now, but you had a crush on him.

   

9. Then you realized that some guys like feet. Mike was, is still one. After you finished your soccer game one hot, steamy Wednesday, Mike messaged you on your beeper to meet him in Room 203. That was the notorious room, the make-out room. This is it, you thought, filled with anguish with a hint of overblown glee. Mike’s going to take my cherry. But there was no cherry, only cherry-scented lotion Mike wanted to rub on your feet. And you freaked out. But you liked Mike, right? So you let him have at them. You figured, maybe you just needed to let him massage your feet to win his heart. Some men work that way. Mike was not one of them.

   

10. Having large feet and a large body, people say things you have to hear over and over. “You’re so tall!” “Is it hard finding shoes?” “Would you like to be a foot model?” Two years after dating Mike, you ended up in the fetish world. It started out as a foot thing, and the thought of having been freaked out over an attraction to women’s feet cracks you up now. You’re Marina Forrest, better known by your fans as Mari Mahogany, fetish model extraordinaire. You’re not a porn star, you just dabble in the softer, sillier side of sexuality. And it’s true; outside of all that comes with modelling your size 11 feet, you tend to keep it clean as Mari Mahogany. But as Maxie Flaxxher, well, finally you have guys not staring at your feet. You don’t tell Nana that part.

    

11. Speaking of Nana, why couldn’t you have gotten the height and feet genes from her? Four grandparents, only one of them, your grandpa, is 6’1. You love Gramps, but you wish you had someone to relate to on the matter. You foolishly believe your grandmothers, neither reaching 5’4 or filling a size 8 shoe, ever had problems with their small feet. Partially true, since they grew up during the war.

    

12. Calcium deficiency. You heard as a kid that you’d stop growing if you don’t drink milk, but you’re still tall, stuck with big shoes and low levels of calcium. It’s better to be big-boned than boneless.

    

13. Lists that describe the struggles the women sizes 10 and up have to deal with. We get it, the demographic is way larger than the media is willing to portray, with most live-action couples showing a man taller than his wife, and, by proxy, a bigger shoe than her. But not everyone is like that, and it seems that only these dumb lists go into detail about the long-legged ladies, the toes two times that of the average woman. Why isn’t this just solved with more sizes, no special orders, no buying men’s shoes? Are we pretending that only short girls exist? Heck, so many women complain about it, so maybe size 10’s are already the average! I don’t need to read these lists to perk me up! I’m going to do something about it! I mean, after I finish this list.

    

14. The increased risk of death. It tends to occur in the genes of giants, like Andre and the one Jack threw from the beanstalk. But what’s the difference between six stories and six feet? Consistently consult a doctor, okay? No point in worrying about fitting shoes if they amputate a leg.

    

15. For that matter, fitting in a coffin. More of an issue back in the day, but it happened that Anna Haining Bates, 7’11 1/2 and size 13 1/2 shoe, passed on and the funeral home sent a normal-sized coffin. OMG, how backwards! FYI, she passed on at 41. Just putting that out there. And no, it was not from normal 1880’s diseases; an unexpected heart failure.

    

16. Pedicures. No one wants to be told their feet look like scuba diver’s flippers. Especially not from someone I paid to pamper my feet. Perhaps it’s my  vain need to feel in charge, my inability to simply move on or take things in stride, but I can typically hush up in social situations. But to pay someone to make my feet feel more feminine? Let me speak to your manager; I’m not taking this from you. I’m the First Lady, dammit, and I want to speak to your manager!

    

17. Wine makers. Yeah, I love wine, but I just got a pedicure that came from a tiny Asian woman I threatened, so I’m gonna have to pass on crushing any grapes right now.

    

18. The dread that this is the rest of your life. It’s not even that people say the same dumb things, hurtful more than if only said once. It’s the knowledge that, no matter what you do, no matter where you go, you will always be you. And maybe speaking to a psychologist would assist in solving your insecurity; why you’ve taken on this life of ruthless self-harm, sexual emptiness, and everything else that came from befriending Mike Harwess. But you’re part of the cycle now, and you’re not certain leaving Mari or Maxie behind is what you want anymore.

    

19. Olive Oil. Not “Olive Oyl,” the big-footed Popeye character. Olive Oil, the condiment you’re forced to use in videos that involve foot massages. It feels nice having another girl rub oil on your soles, AND get paid for it. But you go home smelling like a Greek salad, and those custom-ordered pumps you got, the peep-toes with the crimson lining, might as well get thrown away. The stink of vinegar lingered, and you really like those pumps. What’s the point of selling them on your website to your fans? You’re just going to buy more shoes, and they’re way more expensive than your fans take for granted.

    

20. Seeing Mike with a short girl with size 6 feet. And she’s in a wheelchair. He doesn’t even seem to care about feet anymore, certainly not to the exclusion of marrying someone over them. He’s so normal around you. How can he be so normal around you? It figures, you care more about your feet than he does. You wasted your heart on him, even though all he wanted was a quick thrill. Now your lifestyle, your entire being, day in, day out, your big feet in the center, for a man who used your insecurities against you. And he never really liked you. You look down at your gods. They live below, they reign on high. They’ve given you money and fame. They’ve given you confidence. They’ve given you an identity you hate. You’re not you. You need to cry somewhere for a while.

    

21. Leaving the industry is tough. It’s not prostitution; you can leave Hotel Californication. But it follows you everywhere, and like your spirit animal, Taylor Swift, you shake off the trouble that belongs to you. You learn to put up with it, but sometimes these guys are aggressive. Fortunately, the one time it got dangerous, you met Eddie. And you know he doesn’t care about the size of your feet, since he only reaches your thigh. And you want to talk about the size of feet? Men have a stigma that go from the feet up to the love muscle. But he can knock out a man twice his size, and you wouldn’t want it any other way.

    

22. Socks. Can’t a girl catch a break?

    

Actors To Cast If They Made A New Live-Action Popeye Film

I love me some Popeye, and I was pretty intrigued by last year’s CG Popeye screen test starring veteran voice actor Tom Kenny. A new Popeye movie would hit the spot, but you know what I’d like? A new live-action Popeye. Not a sequel, but a new one altogether. Not a remake. Not a hoax. Not an imaginary story.

The feature film “Popeye” blah blah blah in theaters blah blah blah 1980-something. Disney blah blah blah Robin Williams blah blah blah just look it up. This is solely for live-action Popeye casting, not live-action Popeye not casting. Let’s go at it.

Before getting to the sailor himself, I want to address the two actors perfect for their counterparts. First, Olive Oyl’s actress should be…

Whitney Cummings.

Mean comparison? Not really. I mean, Cummings lacks Olive’s pickle nose, so there’s that. Look, first and foremost, whether or not you like her, Cummings is a comedienne. Olive’s not a serious female character. I mean, like, read the comic strip though. Some dark stuff happens to her when she becomes a dancer.

Yeah, okay, Cummings is tall and thin. Big feet, not as big as Olive’s tugboats, but enough. The voice is deeper, but affecting it would be spot on. Heck, sometimes guys liked her, sometimes not. Kind of the view people have of Cummings. If they ever want to make a live-action film, she’s my top pick.

The other perfect pick? One for Popeye’s dad, Poopdeck Pappy.

Jonathan Banks previously played a crooked cop in Breaking Bad, so it wouldn’t be unusual for him to play Popeye’s morally inept father. Plus, in the Community Season 5 outtakes, he does a dead-on impression of Popeye, which is what Poopdeck essentially is anyway. The grouchy attitude is a blessing.

And now, the man of the hour. It is oft said that the late Robin Williams was made to play the part of Popeye, the man who is a sailor, i.e. the Sailor Man. That attempting to step in the man’s shoes would be as ridiculous as carving Mount Rushmore from a grain of sand. Who could play Popeye, a god among feeble mortals, a king above the huddled masses?

Dave Coulier? Sure, why not. He can do the voice. He looks like he could be a Popeye of a sort. Whatever.

Heck, why bother with that? That one episode of The Office has John Krasinski wear a Popeye costume. That should be enough, right? He couldn’t do the voice or mannerisms, but whatevs, right?

This cat is a striking doppelganger to the man of spinach. I say put it in the movie. Might as well.

Oh. Okay, Zelda Williams isn’t in Popeye garb, but maybe she could put on a hat or something. A female-lead Popeye movie? Sure, remember when The Honeymooners had an all-black cast? No? No one watched that?

I suggested a cat before. Maybe we should just film it for two hours and sell it to the studios.

Ah, Wimpy. I did a whole article on him, you may know. I dressed as him once. So… uh… Zach Galifianakis?

I mean, he’s usually the load in films, the mooch, the emotional puppetmaster. Turning on tears to garner sympathy, only to screw up more. Yeah, okay. He’s actually perfect for Wellington J. Wimpy.

Swee’Pea has a surprisingly complex backstory. He’s a royal prince (or some variation) whose mother left him on Popeye’s doorstep. She came back for him, but he chose Popeye (who semi-cheated, but he’s the protagonist). He ruled his kingdom for a while, but with E.C. Segar’s death, the story line petered out.

Swee’Pea has Popeye’s strength, and can sock a boy a few times his own age. His name is a number of inspirational leaders, but for a while, it was shortened to simply “Scooner”. Popeye was consistently his guardian in the comics, but the cartoons usually had Olive as his caretaker.

So with all that, who would be best suited to play Swee’Pea?

HE’S A FREAKING BABY!

Just get any baby that can act, boy or girl. Twins, preferably.

Bluto only exists in the cartoon and one original E.C. Segar comic plot line. He’s amazing there. Lame in the cartoons. Wrestler? Just get a wrestler to play him?

That seems about right.

AND IT’S BLUTO, NOT BRUTUS.

The Sea Hag wasn’t pimply initially, just stone-faced. But audiences want to see a ghoul. Me, I’d like to see her as the main antagonist. Not only is Popeye scared of ghosts, but he won’t hit women.

Sarah Jessica Parker did play a witch in Hocus Pocus, and she has the facial qualities of the Sea Hag I like. I’m not being mean, I swear. Wimpy had a thing for “Haggy,” and likewise, I for… “Parky?” Movin’ on.

Oh no. No. No. No. No way not to be mean about Alice The Goon. Only way out of this is to cast her opposite as her.

Emma Watson as Alice The Goon. Perfect.

Poor Castor, your history stolen out from under you by a non-cowboy. He appeared in the 1980 film, but UGH, I COULD NOT CARE ABOUT HIS CHARACTER THERE. Popeye and Castor were besties, kind of like Goku and Krillin: Super strong man and weak bald short man. Though Castor did run a successful detective agency. Then his appearances dwindled.

Castor’s not British, but Ludens Nimrod was my second pick after Verne Troyer. Yes, that was my criteria.

I’m not too proud of my pick for Roughhouse and Geezil. They both hate Wimpy, but Geezil is more obsessive than the restaurant owner. Roughhouse goes berserk if it happens too often, but puts up with him because he does pay occasionally. He’s no psycho murderer like Geezil.

Again, not proud. As previously mentioned, cinema will alter race if it’s not important to the setting or character. Key becomes Keyzil, Peele is Roughpeele. Look, it did wonders for Supergirl’s Jimmy Olsen.

Worrywart King Blozo, although he does have the occasional bright moment thanks to Popeye.

Larry David. Who’s more perfect to play a worrywart king than Larry David? Not to mention both have been overthrown from their kingdoms, Seinfeld’s in David’s case.

And no Oscar or Toar counterpart. Oscar can be played by an intern, Toar lost his chance at revival when Andre the Giant died. One more then.

The Almighty Jeep can transcend space and time, predict the future, and generate electricity. Who could possibly play that role?

No one. Pizza Rat will have to be the only option. A rat eating pizza? Who needs the Jeep?

I know I’m an old fool, but I do really hope one day Popeye will see the silver screen in live-action. 2023. Calling it.

Ten Reasons Why I Love Cold New York Weather

People tend to rag on New York for its frigid air, overblown popularity and rude civilians. Well, I disagree with the first one. Here’s ten excuses why I claim to enjoy New York’s Ice Age.

1) Makes me appreciate summer more than if I’d live in any other state.

2) My wardrobe is built 85% for winter weather. Warmer climates would reduce me to wearing polos and Hawaiian shirts.

3) New York is the grouchiest state in America. The only thing to make us kind to one another is calamitous weather. Thanks, Sandy.

4) No day like a snow day. So that’s 12 days in the year, right?

5) It isn’t Boston. Boston weather is New York weather on steroids. There’s always somewhere worse for the weather.

6) Many of my friends native to the Big Frozen Apple have been leaving for the other states, partially due to their distaste for NY weather. Some of them I like. Others not too much, and if I’m here, I know I’ll never see them again. Thanks, New York.

7) There’s really nothing quite as beautiful as watching the New Year’s ball drop in Times Square. On TV, of course. Cracks me up to watch all of those frigid idiots watching a disco ball fall.

8) It is actually gorgeous when the sun sets on a frosty day. Sort of a comfort I can’t describe; I do know its roots stem from my very first memory. What? They don’t all have to be snark.

9) Soup tastes better in the cold than the heat. Hate soup? Didn’t think so.

10) Less passengers travelling on public transportation means more seats for me. Pettiness is the prime root for my New York cold weather love/tolerance!