22 Problems Only Women With Big Feet Understand With Zoidberg Gifs

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It’s a small world after all, right ladies? If you’ve got your eye on a pair of pumps and you’re an 11 1/2, you’re going home with pumps, all right… pump-up sneakers, that is! Do they still sells those? Here are 22 other problems women with big feet go through, accompanied with hilarious gifs to juxtapose the pain with light-hearted “Oh, that’s so me in the gif” reactions!

And who better to represent the under-appreciated larger-sized women than Zoidberg? Well, why not Zoidberg?

  1. Being told, “Well, Audrey Hepburn had huge feet, and she’s considered one of the most attractive women in the world!” Yeah, and Audrey thought she was ugly. This isn’t about how I look to you, but to myself.

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  2. High heels. Shoe size correlates with height, so on average, a size-ten will belong to a tall woman. Therefore, high-heeled shoes typically cause an awkward effect on the statuesque individual.

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  3. If there’s a scenario that requires a circus or carnival, you can bet that if you’re not asked to be a clown, some wiseacre will say, “Why isn’t she the clown? She’ll fit perfectly in the shoes!”

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  4. When you’re shopping for shoes in the aisle that segregates normal women from the Sasquatch freaks, and you can’t find shoes that aesthetically appeal to your senses. Like, get a clue!

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  5. Same scenario, although your attention is drawn to the sign that says “BOGO! BUY ONE GET ONE AS AN ATTEMPT TO TAP INTO YOUR NAIVE UNDERSTANDING OF WHAT CONSTITUTES AS A BARGAIN!” Uh, please. I have enough trouble buying one.

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  6. Same scenario, although your attention is drawn to the male shoppers in the Sasquatch aisle. They complain, “There’s never anything cute in the men’s section. Black, brown, gray. I saw beige sneaks once. That was a find. But this aisle, which I can only assume is for straight yet more flamboyant men, this is a thing of wonder.” Talk about embarrassing!

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  7. Same scenario, but the constant fear of being in an environment with potentially lurking foot fetishists. No, you don’t get it, and it does make you a bit queasy that guys may be attracted to your feet, but back in high school, you did know Mike.

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  8. Growing up with big feet was tough. The guys all laughed at you, the girls, if they didn’t laugh at you, hit on you because they thought you were a pretty guy. Mike seemed genuinely to like you. He had this weird habit of looking at the ground, right at your feet, almost. Kind of silly to think about now, but you had a crush on him.

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  9. Then you realized that some guys like feet. Mike was, is still one. After you finished your soccer game one hot, steamy Wednesday, Mike messaged you on your beeper to meet him in Room 203. That was the notorious room, the make-out room. This is it, you thought, filled with anguish with a hint of overblown glee. Mike’s going to take my cherry. But there was no cherry, only cherry-scented lotion Mike wanted to rub on your feet. And you freaked out. But you liked Mike, right? So you let him have at them. You figured, maybe you just needed to let him massage your feet to win his heart. Some men work that way. Mike was not one of them.

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  10. Having large feet and a large body, people say things you have to hear over and over. “You’re so tall!” “Is it hard finding shoes?” “Would you like to be a foot model?” Two years after dating Mike, you ended up in the fetish world. It started out as a foot thing, and the thought of having been freaked out over an attraction to women’s feet cracks you up now. You’re Marina Forrest, better known by your fans as Mari Mahogany, fetish model extraordinaire. You’re not a porn star, you just dabble in the softer, sillier side of sexuality. And it’s true; outside of all that comes with modelling your size 11 feet, you tend to keep it clean as Mari Mahogany. But as Maxie Flaxxher, well, finally you have guys not staring at your feet. You don’t tell Nana that part.

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  11. Speaking of Nana, why couldn’t you have gotten the height and feet genes from her? Four grandparents, only one of them, your grandpa, is 6’1. You love Gramps, but you wish you had someone to relate to on the matter. You foolishly believe your grandmothers, neither reaching 5’4 or filling a size 8 shoe, ever had problems with their small feet. Partially true, since they grew up during the war.

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  12. Calcium deficiency. You heard as a kid that you’d stop growing if you don’t drink milk, but you’re still tall, stuck with big shoes and low levels of calcium. It’s better to be big-boned than boneless.

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  13. Lists that describe the struggles the women sizes 10 and up have to deal with. We get it, the demographic is way larger than the media is willing to portray, with most live-action couples showing a man taller than his wife, and, by proxy, a bigger shoe than her. But not everyone is like that, and it seems that only these dumb lists go into detail about the long-legged ladies, the toes two times that of the average woman. Why isn’t this just solved with more sizes, no special orders, no buying men’s shoes? Are we pretending that only short girls exist? Heck, so many women complain about it, so maybe size 10’s are already the average! I don’t need to read these lists to perk me up! I’m going to do something about it! I mean, after I finish this list.

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  14. The increased risk of death. It tends to occur in the genes of giants, like Andre and the one Jack threw from the beanstalk. But what’s the difference between six stories and six feet? Consistently consult a doctor, okay? No point in worrying about fitting shoes if they amputate a leg.

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  15. For that matter, fitting in a coffin. More of an issue back in the day, but it happened that Anna Haining Bates, 7’11 1/2 and size 13 1/2 shoe, passed on and the funeral home sent a normal-sized coffin. OMG, how backwards! FYI, she passed on at 41. Just putting that out there. And no, it was not from normal 1880’s diseases; an unexpected heart failure.

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  16. Pedicures. No one wants to be told their feet look like scuba diver’s flippers. Especially not from someone I paid to pamper my feet. Perhaps it’s my  vain need to feel in charge, my inability to simply move on or take things in stride, but I can typically hush up in social situations. But to pay someone to make my feet feel more feminine? Let me speak to your manager; I’m not taking this from you. I’m the First Lady, dammit, and I want to speak to your manager!

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  17. Wine makers. Yeah, I love wine, but I just got a pedicure that came from a tiny Asian woman I threatened, so I’m gonna have to pass on crushing any grapes right now.

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  18. The dread that this is the rest of your life. It’s not even that people say the same dumb things, hurtful more than if only said once. It’s the knowledge that, no matter what you do, no matter where you go, you will always be you. And maybe speaking to a psychologist would assist in solving your insecurity; why you’ve taken on this life of ruthless self-harm, sexual emptiness, and everything else that came from befriending Mike Harwess. But you’re part of the cycle now, and you’re not certain leaving Mari or Maxie behind is what you want anymore.

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  19. Olive Oil. Not “Olive Oyl,” the big-footed Popeye character. Olive Oil, the condiment you’re forced to use in videos that involve foot massages. It feels nice having another girl rub oil on your soles, AND get paid for it. But you go home smelling like a Greek salad, and those custom-ordered pumps you got, the peep-toes with the crimson lining, might as well get thrown away. The stink of vinegar lingered, and you really like those pumps. What’s the point of selling them on your website to your fans? You’re just going to buy more shoes, and they’re way more expensive than your fans take for granted.

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  20. Seeing Mike with a short girl with size 6 feet. And she’s in a wheelchair. He doesn’t even seem to care about feet anymore, certainly not to the exclusion of marrying someone over them. He’s so normal around you. How can he be so normal around you? It figures, you care more about your feet than he does. You wasted your heart on him, even though all he wanted was a quick thrill. Now your lifestyle, your entire being, day in, day out, your big feet in the center, for a man who used your insecurities against you. And he never really liked you. You look down at your gods. They live below, they reign on high. They’ve given you money and fame. They’ve given you confidence. They’ve given you an identity you hate. You’re not you. You need to cry somewhere for a while.

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  21. Leaving the industry is tough. It’s not prostitution; you can leave Hotel Californication. But it follows you everywhere, and like your spirit animal, Taylor Swift, you shake off the trouble that belongs to you. You learn to put up with it, but sometimes these guys are aggressive. Fortunately, the one time it got dangerous, you met Eddie. And you know he doesn’t care about the size of your feet, since he only reaches your thigh. And you want to talk about the size of feet? Men have a stigma that go from the feet up to the love muscle. But he can knock out a man twice his size, and you wouldn’t want it any other way.

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  22. Socks. Can’t a girl catch a break?

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Actors To Cast If They Made A New Live-Action Popeye Film

I love me some Popeye, and I was pretty intrigued by last year’s CG Popeye screen test starring veteran voice actor Tom Kenny. A new Popeye movie would hit the spot, but you know what I’d like? A new live-action Popeye. Not a sequel, but a new one altogether. Not a remake. Not a hoax. Not an imaginary story.

The feature film “Popeye” blah blah blah in theaters blah blah blah 1980-something. Disney blah blah blah Robin Williams blah blah blah just look it up. This is solely for live-action Popeye casting, not live-action Popeye not casting. Let’s go at it.

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Before getting to the sailor himself, I want to address the two actors perfect for their counterparts. First, Olive Oyl’s actress should be…

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Whitney Cummings.

Mean comparison? Not really. I mean, Cummings lacks Olive’s pickle nose, so there’s that. Look, first and foremost, whether or not you like her, Cummings is a comedienne. Olive’s not a serious female character. I mean, like, read the comic strip though. Some dark stuff happens to her when she becomes a dancer.

Yeah, okay, Cummings is tall and thin. Big feet, not as big as Olive’s tugboats, but enough. The voice is deeper, but affecting it would be spot on. Heck, sometimes guys liked her, sometimes not. Kind of the view people have of Cummings. If they ever want to make a live-action film, she’s my top pick.

Pappy

The other perfect pick? One for Popeye’s dad, Poopdeck Pappy.

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Jonathan Banks previously played a crooked cop in Breaking Bad, so it wouldn’t be unusual for him to play Popeye’s morally inept father. Plus, in the Community Season 5 outtakes, he does a dead-on impression of Popeye, which is what Poopdeck essentially is anyway. The grouchy attitude is a blessing.
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And now, the man of the hour. It is oft said that the late Robin Williams was made to play the part of Popeye, the man who is a sailor, i.e. the Sailor Man. That attempting to step in the man’s shoes would be as ridiculous as carving Mount Rushmore from a grain of sand. Who could play Popeye, a god among feeble mortals, a king above the huddled masses?

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Dave Coulier? Sure, why not. He can do the voice. He looks like he could be a Popeye of a sort. Whatever.

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Heck, why bother with that? That one episode of The Office has John Krasinski wear a Popeye costume. That should be enough, right? He couldn’t do the voice or mannerisms, but whatevs, right?

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This cat is a striking doppelganger to the man of spinach. I say put it in the movie. Might as well.

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Oh. Okay, Zelda Williams isn’t in Popeye garb, but maybe she could put on a hat or something. A female-lead Popeye movie? Sure, remember when The Honeymooners had an all-black cast? No? No one watched that?

I suggested a cat before. Maybe we should just film it for two hours and sell it to the studios.

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Ah, Wimpy. I did a whole article on him, you may know. I dressed as him once. So… uh… Zach Galifianakis?

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I mean, he’s usually the load in films, the mooch, the emotional puppetmaster. Turning on tears to garner sympathy, only to screw up more. Yeah, okay. He’s actually perfect for Wellington J. Wimpy.

Swee'Pea

Swee’Pea has a surprisingly complex backstory. He’s a royal prince (or some variation) whose mother left him on Popeye’s doorstep. She came back for him, but he chose Popeye (who semi-cheated, but he’s the protagonist). He ruled his kingdom for a while, but with E.C. Segar’s death, the story line petered out.

Swee’Pea has Popeye’s strength, and can sock a boy a few times his own age. His name is a number of inspirational leaders, but for a while, it was shortened to simply “Scooner”. Popeye was consistently his guardian in the comics, but the cartoons usually had Olive as his caretaker.

So with all that, who would be best suited to play Swee’Pea?

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HE’S A FREAKING BABY!

Just get any baby that can act, boy or girl. Twins, preferably.

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Bluto only exists in the cartoon and one original E.C. Segar comic plot line. He’s amazing there. Lame in the cartoons. Wrestler? Just get a wrestler to play him?

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That seems about right.

AND IT’S BLUTO, NOT BRUTUS.

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The Sea Hag wasn’t pimply initially, just stone-faced. But audiences want to see a ghoul. Me, I’d like to see her as the main antagonist. Not only is Popeye scared of ghosts, but he won’t hit women.

Sarah Jessica Parker did play a witch in Hocus Pocus, and she has the facial qualities of the Sea Hag I like. I’m not being mean, I swear. Wimpy had a thing for “Haggy,” and likewise, I for… “Parky?” Movin’ on.

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Oh no. No. No. No. No way not to be mean about Alice The Goon. Only way out of this is to cast her opposite as her.

Emma Watson as Alice The Goon. Perfect.

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Poor Castor, your history stolen out from under you by a non-cowboy. He appeared in the 1980 film, but UGH, I COULD NOT CARE ABOUT HIS CHARACTER THERE. Popeye and Castor were besties, kind of like Goku and Krillin: Super strong man and weak bald short man. Though Castor did run a successful detective agency. Then his appearances dwindled.

Castor’s not British, but Ludens Nimrod was my second pick after Verne Troyer. Yes, that was my criteria.

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I’m not too proud of my pick for Roughhouse and Geezil. They both hate Wimpy, but Geezil is more obsessive than the restaurant owner. Roughhouse goes berserk if it happens too often, but puts up with him because he does pay occasionally. He’s no psycho murderer like Geezil.

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Again, not proud. As previously mentioned, cinema will alter race if it’s not important to the setting or character. Key becomes Keyzil, Peele is Roughpeele. Look, it did wonders for Supergirl’s Jimmy Olsen.

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Worrywart King Blozo, although he does have the occasional bright moment thanks to Popeye.

Larry David. Who’s more perfect to play a worrywart king than Larry David? Not to mention both have been overthrown from their kingdoms, Seinfeld’s in David’s case.

And no Oscar or Toar counterpart. Oscar can be played by an intern, Toar lost his chance at revival when Andre the Giant died. One more then.

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The Almighty Jeep can transcend space and time, predict the future, and generate electricity. Who could possibly play that role?

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No one. Pizza Rat will have to be the only option. A rat eating pizza? Who needs the Jeep?

I know I’m an old fool, but I do really hope one day Popeye will see the silver screen in live-action. 2023. Calling it.