Here, I present unto you my very own Harvey Comics play, as a standalone act. I’ve loved Harvey since I was young enough not to notice any flaws in the writing. And now I’m shamelessly shipping them.
And now, a Very Special Harvey Comics story.
(Scene: Various Harvey characters have assembled in Lotta’s living room. Dot is offstage.)
Lotta (eating a comically large drumstick): “I hope she takes it well. I’d hate to ruin our friendship over something so petty.”
Richie: “It has to be done, Lotta. If we want our Dot to move on, she needs to give up her dots.”
Lotta: “I hope for her sake you’re right, Richard.”
Reggie: “SNEER! Why bother that dot-aphobe? Let her obsess over her common passions!”
Richie (spots Gloria, calls her over): “Hey girl, you miss me?” (turns to Reggie) “Actually, the suffix ‘phobe’ pertains to fear, not obsession.” (to Gloria) “I got you some diamond-studded stockings. Imported from… I don’t know, but it was worth more than the country. You like?”
Gloria: “Mmm. Yes, Rich. Just like the gold fur coat, the petroleum-filled Jacuzzi, the endangered rhino truffles…” (Enter Jackie Jokers) “Hi, Jack!”
Jackie: “Hey, Gloria Hallelujah! Ha ha! Hey, what are those? Diamond socks? They’d look rough on your feet! Ha ha! Hey, seems like an impractical gift! You’d have to get insurance just to put them in the laundry! Ha ha ha ha!”
Richie (notices a giggling Gloria): “Your jokes are like your taste in women: Old and tired.”
Jackie (stops laughing): “If you only knew what irony your words hold…”
Richie: “I have an idea on the matter.” (throws a wad of bills at Jackie) “Go talk to Billy Bellhops.”
Jackie: “The things I do to survive.”
Lotta: “Okay everyone! Dot is right outside!”
(Enter Dot)
Dot: “Lotta, I met these two Ocean Sunfish freaks at Main Avenue. I called their fish an “Ocean Sandfish” just to piss them off.” (Looks around) “What is this?”
Lotta: “Dot…”
Reggie: “SNEER!”
Lotta: “Dot, this is an intervention. We think you’re addicted to dots.”
Dot: “Um, no. I’m not an addict. I can put away my dots any time I want. It’s just that the big dot festival is next week, then I was going to redecorate Audrey’s room with a dotty theme–”
Richie: “Audrey’s dead, Dot. You went to her wedding, remember? Casper was the best man–”
Dot: “Okay, so I’m going to redecorate her ghost’s room!”
Casper The Friendly Ghost: “Yeah, have you seen ghost homes? We tend to live in dilapidated wrecks.”
Freckles: “It isn’t your fault she became a ghost, Dot. But maybe if you had been looking at the cars on road instead of the manholes on it–”
Dot: “SHUT UP, FRECKLES! YOU’RE ADDICTED TO CRACK!”
Freckles: “That’s hurtful. It’s meth.”
Lotta: “Your obsession to dots is hurting you more than ever before. Please, for human Audrey’s memory, give up dots.”
Audrey The Complacent Ghost: “Really, I’m fine with this.”
Dot: “You know what? You’re attacking me because you all can’t handle your own obsessions! Lotta, you’re a bloated corpse!”
Lotta: “It… food makes me feel strong.”
Dot: “Richie uses money to make himself better for being the 99.9%!”
Richie: “WHAT! Who has that 0.1%? Cadbury! Give them this check for one billion to give me the remaining percent!”
Dot: “Reggie’s the only one who deserves to be obsessed! Richie’s freaking controlling, and all he wanted was his dad’s love! But no, it’s all for Richie! We all love Richie!” (Gloria turns her head away from Richie) “I don’t love Richie! I love Reggie over Richie any day because he’s real!”
(Face flushed red with anger, Dot grabs Reggie by the lapels and gives him a heart-bursting kiss, no tongue. After an awkward pause, Dot looks around at the open maws of the room. Reggie does not sneer. Dot’s face flushes red again, but with embarrassment this time. Exit Dot)
Lotta: “Dot…?” (Tries to follow her into the bathroom, Reggie puts his arm in front of her.)
Reggie: “You’ve done enough, Large Marge. Stop trying to play Good Little Witch.”
Wendy: “I was actually opposed to this.”
(Exit Reggie)
(Scene: Bathroom hallway. Reggie knocks)
Reggie: “Dot? Do you want to talk?”
Dot: “I want to die. It feels like a huge hole in my chest, but it isn’t good for once.”
Reggie: “That… that’s how I feel when Richie beats me. He cheats just as much as I do, but since he’s got more dough, they just say he SNEER! was defending himself. So he had oil slicks already rigged in his car, and that’s fair? What am I to people?”
Dot: “We aren’t appreciated.”
Reggie: “We have no one on our side.”
Dot: “SNEER! ‘Our side!’ If it’s ‘our side,’ then I guess we do have companions!”
Reggie: “Hey, that’s a nice sneer!”
(Long, but not awkward silence fills the hallway)
Dot: “I think I’m ready to face them now. Thank you, Reginald.”
Reggie: “Yeah, we’ll face them together.”
(Both sneer, exeunt. Curtain falls.)
The Conjecture of a Benjy's Lecture 