22 Problems Only Women With Big Feet Understand With Zoidberg Gifs

It’s a small world after all, right ladies? If you’ve got your eye on a pair of pumps and you’re an 11 1/2, you’re going home with pumps, all right… pump-up sneakers, that is! Do they still sells those? Here are 22 other problems women with big feet go through, accompanied with hilarious gifs to juxtapose the pain with light-hearted “Oh, that’s so me in the gif” reactions!

And who better to represent the under-appreciated larger-sized women than Zoidberg? Well, why not Zoidberg?

1. Being told, “Well, Audrey Hepburn had huge feet, and she’s considered one of the most attractive women in the world!” Yeah, and Audrey thought she was ugly. This isn’t about how I look to you, but to myself.

   

2. High heels. Shoe size correlates with height, so on average, a size-ten will belong to a tall woman. Therefore, high-heeled shoes typically cause an awkward effect on the statuesque individual.

   

3. If there’s a scenario that requires a circus or carnival, you can bet that if you’re not asked to be a clown, some wiseacre will say, “Why isn’t she the clown? She’ll fit perfectly in the shoes!”

   

4. When you’re shopping for shoes in the aisle that segregates normal women from the Sasquatch freaks, and you can’t find shoes that aesthetically appeal to your senses. Like, get a clue!

   

5. Same scenario, although your attention is drawn to the sign that says “BOGO! BUY ONE GET ONE AS AN ATTEMPT TO TAP INTO YOUR NAIVE UNDERSTANDING OF WHAT CONSTITUTES AS A BARGAIN!” Uh, please. I have enough trouble buying one.

   

6. Same scenario, although your attention is drawn to the male shoppers in the Sasquatch aisle. They complain, “There’s never anything cute in the men’s section. Black, brown, gray. I saw beige sneaks once. That was a find. But this aisle, which I can only assume is for straight yet more flamboyant men, this is a thing of wonder.” Talk about embarrassing!

   

7. Same scenario, but the constant fear of being in an environment with potentially lurking foot fetishists. No, you don’t get it, and it does make you a bit queasy that guys may be attracted to your feet, but back in high school, you did know Mike.

   

8. Growing up with big feet was tough. The guys all laughed at you, the girls, if they didn’t laugh at you, hit on you because they thought you were a pretty guy. Mike seemed genuinely to like you. He had this weird habit of looking at the ground, right at your feet, almost. Kind of silly to think about now, but you had a crush on him.

   

9. Then you realized that some guys like feet. Mike was, is still one. After you finished your soccer game one hot, steamy Wednesday, Mike messaged you on your beeper to meet him in Room 203. That was the notorious room, the make-out room. This is it, you thought, filled with anguish with a hint of overblown glee. Mike’s going to take my cherry. But there was no cherry, only cherry-scented lotion Mike wanted to rub on your feet. And you freaked out. But you liked Mike, right? So you let him have at them. You figured, maybe you just needed to let him massage your feet to win his heart. Some men work that way. Mike was not one of them.

   

10. Having large feet and a large body, people say things you have to hear over and over. “You’re so tall!” “Is it hard finding shoes?” “Would you like to be a foot model?” Two years after dating Mike, you ended up in the fetish world. It started out as a foot thing, and the thought of having been freaked out over an attraction to women’s feet cracks you up now. You’re Marina Forrest, better known by your fans as Mari Mahogany, fetish model extraordinaire. You’re not a porn star, you just dabble in the softer, sillier side of sexuality. And it’s true; outside of all that comes with modelling your size 11 feet, you tend to keep it clean as Mari Mahogany. But as Maxie Flaxxher, well, finally you have guys not staring at your feet. You don’t tell Nana that part.

    

11. Speaking of Nana, why couldn’t you have gotten the height and feet genes from her? Four grandparents, only one of them, your grandpa, is 6’1. You love Gramps, but you wish you had someone to relate to on the matter. You foolishly believe your grandmothers, neither reaching 5’4 or filling a size 8 shoe, ever had problems with their small feet. Partially true, since they grew up during the war.

    

12. Calcium deficiency. You heard as a kid that you’d stop growing if you don’t drink milk, but you’re still tall, stuck with big shoes and low levels of calcium. It’s better to be big-boned than boneless.

    

13. Lists that describe the struggles the women sizes 10 and up have to deal with. We get it, the demographic is way larger than the media is willing to portray, with most live-action couples showing a man taller than his wife, and, by proxy, a bigger shoe than her. But not everyone is like that, and it seems that only these dumb lists go into detail about the long-legged ladies, the toes two times that of the average woman. Why isn’t this just solved with more sizes, no special orders, no buying men’s shoes? Are we pretending that only short girls exist? Heck, so many women complain about it, so maybe size 10’s are already the average! I don’t need to read these lists to perk me up! I’m going to do something about it! I mean, after I finish this list.

    

14. The increased risk of death. It tends to occur in the genes of giants, like Andre and the one Jack threw from the beanstalk. But what’s the difference between six stories and six feet? Consistently consult a doctor, okay? No point in worrying about fitting shoes if they amputate a leg.

    

15. For that matter, fitting in a coffin. More of an issue back in the day, but it happened that Anna Haining Bates, 7’11 1/2 and size 13 1/2 shoe, passed on and the funeral home sent a normal-sized coffin. OMG, how backwards! FYI, she passed on at 41. Just putting that out there. And no, it was not from normal 1880’s diseases; an unexpected heart failure.

    

16. Pedicures. No one wants to be told their feet look like scuba diver’s flippers. Especially not from someone I paid to pamper my feet. Perhaps it’s my  vain need to feel in charge, my inability to simply move on or take things in stride, but I can typically hush up in social situations. But to pay someone to make my feet feel more feminine? Let me speak to your manager; I’m not taking this from you. I’m the First Lady, dammit, and I want to speak to your manager!

    

17. Wine makers. Yeah, I love wine, but I just got a pedicure that came from a tiny Asian woman I threatened, so I’m gonna have to pass on crushing any grapes right now.

    

18. The dread that this is the rest of your life. It’s not even that people say the same dumb things, hurtful more than if only said once. It’s the knowledge that, no matter what you do, no matter where you go, you will always be you. And maybe speaking to a psychologist would assist in solving your insecurity; why you’ve taken on this life of ruthless self-harm, sexual emptiness, and everything else that came from befriending Mike Harwess. But you’re part of the cycle now, and you’re not certain leaving Mari or Maxie behind is what you want anymore.

    

19. Olive Oil. Not “Olive Oyl,” the big-footed Popeye character. Olive Oil, the condiment you’re forced to use in videos that involve foot massages. It feels nice having another girl rub oil on your soles, AND get paid for it. But you go home smelling like a Greek salad, and those custom-ordered pumps you got, the peep-toes with the crimson lining, might as well get thrown away. The stink of vinegar lingered, and you really like those pumps. What’s the point of selling them on your website to your fans? You’re just going to buy more shoes, and they’re way more expensive than your fans take for granted.

    

20. Seeing Mike with a short girl with size 6 feet. And she’s in a wheelchair. He doesn’t even seem to care about feet anymore, certainly not to the exclusion of marrying someone over them. He’s so normal around you. How can he be so normal around you? It figures, you care more about your feet than he does. You wasted your heart on him, even though all he wanted was a quick thrill. Now your lifestyle, your entire being, day in, day out, your big feet in the center, for a man who used your insecurities against you. And he never really liked you. You look down at your gods. They live below, they reign on high. They’ve given you money and fame. They’ve given you confidence. They’ve given you an identity you hate. You’re not you. You need to cry somewhere for a while.

    

21. Leaving the industry is tough. It’s not prostitution; you can leave Hotel Californication. But it follows you everywhere, and like your spirit animal, Taylor Swift, you shake off the trouble that belongs to you. You learn to put up with it, but sometimes these guys are aggressive. Fortunately, the one time it got dangerous, you met Eddie. And you know he doesn’t care about the size of your feet, since he only reaches your thigh. And you want to talk about the size of feet? Men have a stigma that go from the feet up to the love muscle. But he can knock out a man twice his size, and you wouldn’t want it any other way.

    

22. Socks. Can’t a girl catch a break?

    

The Best and Worst Funts to Put on a Resumé

When writing a resume, you may have trouble putting down experience, education and skills. The effort you put into writing up your job experiences shows when employers read through your resume. It’s a shame, then, how so many potential employees lose their chance simply because they used the wrong Funt.

The Funt of a resume is scarcely considered. Hey, Microsoft Word wouldn’t make their default Funt unprofessional, right? Today’s business is cutthroat; far more cutthroat than the Funt you’re using may suggest you’re up to facing. Read on for our suggestions for the best and worst Funts to choose from.

We’re all familiar with Allen Funt; host and creator of Candid Camera, default Funt in most word-processing programs, died in 1999. Employers are also used to the Allen Funt. Allen, while trustworthy, is predictable and fits like an old hoodie for your resume. That sense of security won’t settle with your company of choice, and they’ll pick someone with a more experimental Funt.

Back in the days of Candid Camera, Allen was a Funt that could stand out and take you by surprise. Now, the Allen Funt has a wide-range of competitors, meaning there’s no reason to choose this moldy golden oldie over a newer Funt.

The best Funt for your resume is Allen’s daughter, Juliet Funt. Juliet is a Funt that screams “business;” as the founder of WhiteSpace, this is definitely the best Funt for your buck.

On her website, WhiteSpace at Work, Juliet says “My father wouldn’t want credit as the father of reality TV if he saw it’s current state of unkindness, shock value and vulgarity.” And that sense of security the Allen Funt purveys can be seen in the Juliet Funt– only Juliet promotes security for employers and employees alike, not for the employees alone.

WhiteSpace and the Juliet Funt suggest “taking a breather,” and “regaining composure.” True, a Funt shouldn’t say business is flawed in a resume, but this Funt reminds its targeted company that it’s people who work, not robots, and humans run on motivation, not perspiration.

While the Juliet Funt is the best Funt, she may not be the best Funt for everyone. A less standard approach for your resume may require the Bill Funt. While Bill lacks the experience of other Funts, not to mention his laid-back look could potentially appear unprofessional, the gray in his beard suits Entry-Level job-seekers to appear more experienced. Use this Funt if you’re seeking a job with a start-up company or just want to throw caution to the wind.

It should be no surprise that you want to steer clear of the Peter Funt. Not only was he the Allen Funt’s successor for Candid Camera, but also for the President of his organization, the Laughter Therapy Foundation! Security survives through the Peter Funt, but stability does as well. This Funt should only be used for a joke.

Should you put the obsolete Russian weight measurement in your resume? 409.51718 grams? “I think it’s a great idea. Put a lot of Фунт on the bottom. Some Фунт in the weight of chicken wings. They will love it,” says Rick Terrier, the creative director at Obsolutions Inc., a consultancy for dying companies, in Missouri. “Maybe a Фунт is your logo. Maybe you just really key in on the 409.51718 gram logo, that’s your thing, you put it everywhere.”

Maybe.

Pokemon Versus Smash Mouth’s “All Star”

Everyone loves Pokemon. And even more people love Smash Mouth’s hit “All Star.” But I’m sure all of us are wondering if the legends are true. Did Smash Mouth foretell future events in the Pokemon franchise? This was heavily debated for some time, with hindsight not available yet. But it’s been years, and Smash Mouth and Pokemon put their bitter rivalry to rest in the GameCube flop “Smash Mouth and Pokemon at the Miss Universe Contest.” So I’l examine the truth: Did All Star predict future Pokemon features to ruin surprises? I’ll be skipping over any repeated verses, since we only want the facts.

Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me

I’d attribute this to Katamari Damacy, but Rollout was introduced November 1999, while All Star came out in May of the same year. 1 for prediction.

I ain’t the sharpest tool in the shed

In Gold and Silver, Steel type Pokemon were introduced, so sharp Pokemon could exist. Oops! 1 for flop.

She was looking kind of dumb, with her finger and her thumb

Pokemon Crystal introduced female trainers, often with dumb hair. By the time players could see their character with visible fingers and thumbs, they stopped looking dumb. 2 F.

In the shape of an ‘L’ on her forehead

However, trainers could cross their arms to Mega Evolve their Pokemon, and when they raised one arm, it would look exactly like a lowercase L. Uncanny! 2 P.

Well, the years start coming and they don’t stop coming

Ooh, so close! Unova did introduce seasons, but no actual time passed. 3 F.

Fed to the rules and I hit the ground running

Wow! Both Running Shoes and Pokemon food were introduced in Generation III! 3 P!

Didn’t make sense, not to live for fun

Speaking of which, the Generation III games also introduced Pokemon Contests, which were no fun. Not to waste the fleeting duration left on this earth, many skipped them. 4 P.

Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb

Right again! Generation II split Special into Special Attack and Special Defense, associated with the mind, but it was undercut by the introduction of Headbutt as a way to hit trees, so Pokemon would lose brain cells if they existed. 5 P.

So much to do, so much to see

Admittedly, more recent games have raised the bar in terms of scenery and side quests, but Smash Mouth has gone on record denying any relation to Pokemon. Oh well! 4 F.

So what’s wrong with taking the back streets

Ah yes, Pokemon alleys. Prominent in Pokemon Black and White, the trainer is flashed but never harmed. 6 P.

You’ll never know if you don’t go

This was a huge faux pas. Even then one could research the game through the internet and walkthroughs. The only time this was true was Pokemon X and Y for five minutes. 5 F.

You’ll never shine if you don’t glow

Oh, I’m sorry, Smash Mouth! Yes, shiny Pokemon were introduced in Generation II, but N’s Pokemon could also sparkle and glow. 6 F.

Hey now, you’re an All Star, get your game on, go play

This is basic knowledge, so it can’t contribute in the count.

Hey now, you’re a Rock Star, get the show on, get paid

Very few Pokemon trainers in the Rocker or Guitarist classes have defeated a playable character and won their earnings. 7 F.

And all that glitters is gold

Tsk-tsk! Looking bad, Smash Mouth! Gold, Silver, Crystal, Ruby, Sapphire, Emerald, Diamond, Pearl, and Platinum! 8 F!

Only shooting stars break the mold

You’re making me cry, Smash Mouth! Not only do Pokemon other than star-based Pokemon have the ability Mold Breaker, not a single star Pokemon has it. For shame. 9 F.

It’s a cool place and they say it gets colder

Generation 4 had Sinnoh, which was cold in Diamond and Pearl and freezing in Platinum. 7 P.

You’re bundled up, now wait ’til you get older

Many fans were outraged when Smash Mouth spoiled the twist at the end of Pokemon Gold and Silver, how the player from the first game moved to the top of a freezing mountain, three years after becoming League Champion. A definite prophecy. 8 P.

But the meteor men beg to differ

Does this even need explanation? Meteors have been all the rage since Ruby and Sapphire. Solrock and Lunatone? Deoxys’ connection with four meteorites? The one in the remake of Ruby and Sapphire? I don’t beg to differ. 9 P.

Judging by the hole in the satellite picture

Naturally, this refers to the television shows you can watch in strangers houses. 10 P.

The ice we skate is getting pretty thin

Oh yeah! Wallace’s breaking ice floor in the Sootopolis Gym! While you can’t skate on it, that was already possible in Red and Blue. 11 P.

The waters getting warm, so you might as well swim

Water is very common in Hoenn, a warm region. However, swimming is not possible, and the only warm water is in a hot springs, too warm. 10 F.

My world’s on fire how about yours

Well, more Fire types have been added, in greater quantity at that. Team Flare was introduced. But overall, no, my world is not on fire. Good prediction! 12 P.

That’s the way I like it and I never get bored

As not all of the predictions have been completely confirmed yet, we must assume this refers to a future game. Skip over.

Go for the moon
Go for the moon
Go for the moon
Go for the moon

Way to drill in the connection between Fairy type being introduced and the change of former Pokemon. The move Moonlight, the Clefairy line and Jigglypuff line (Moon Stone users) were all changed to Fairy. 13 P.

Somebody once asked, could I spare some change for gas

We’ve been promised the ability to drive the SS Anne Truck. Still no dice. Way to get my hopes up, Smash Mouth! 11 F.

I need to get myself away from this place

Yes, any abandoned truck would want to be driven. 12 F.

I said, Yep, what a concept
I could use a little fuel myself

And even though Unova brought in other vehicles, with Kalos adding cabs, you can’t drive them. Just certain Pokemon in certain areas. 13 F.

And we could all use a little change

No one knows what this line means. You can tip people in X and Y. Certain Pokemon remakes are vastly different from the original games. Others are too close. Does it mean gameplay? With all the types added or other game-changers, does it feel like a new game? Was this referring to the future spin-offs that flooded the market, with vastly different gameplay? Pokemon that can change form? Trainers who change outfits? Pokemon with new stats? Mega evolution? My hubris has done me in. I can’t judge this properly; no one can. It’s a tie, 13 Predictions, 13 Flops. Like it was intended: Equality between Smash Mouth and Pokemon.

William Shakespeare — Sonnet 130: Wishing for Kryptonian Love

Ah, Shakespeare. Fun fact, he’s my go-to punchline. Well, only because he’s representative of English and language. My favorite sonnet is 130. It renounces the ideology of perfect beauty, untouchable and the sin of tarnishing the “perfect maiden.” Sonnet 130 describes his mistress’ attributes in derogatory tones, claiming what she has is imperfect and human; attributes that humans can relate to without judgement, as they are of nature, not the heavens, specifically Krypton.

Lately I’ve seen many interpretations of William Shakespeare’s sonnets, and I finally realized what Sonnet 130 actually meant. Shakespeare was in love with Supergirl. Don’t believe me? The proof is in the chocolate gelatin product, so read on to see it.

My mistress’ eyes are nothing like the sun;

Of course, this is a masterful pun on Shakespeare’s part. This not only refers to Supergirl’s X-Ray / Heat-Ray vision, but to the sun itself, a source of power to the Kryptonian people. Looking into his mistress’ eyes, he does not feel stronger from her gaze.

Coral is far more red than her lips’ red;

Red is commonly known as the color of sin, sexuality, and passion. Prior to the 1860’s, it was not known that coral was not an Earth-bound gem, but red kryptonite. Shakespeare believed the redness of a woman’s lips to be a sign of sexual prowess, and was therefore dissatisfied with his mistress’ own. Plus, Shakespeare allegedly once caught a glimpse of Supergirl turning into a blimp, and he had a well-known fetish for inflation. He spent his days trying to repeat the incident by thrusting balloons filled with “coral powder” at Kryptonian women.

If snow be white, why then her breasts are dun;

Here, Shakespeare cites the whiteness of snow, associated with purity and sanctity. He juxtaposes this with his remorse over his mistress’ breasts, which represent no quality that white does. Supergirl, despite not being of legal age, had fully developed breasts with an innocence to boot (the sonnet was, of course, written before the Golden Age of Comics had ended). Despite her naivety, Lady Kara Zor-El would not have accepted Shakespeare as a lover, since writers were considered low-class.

If hairs be wires, black wires grow on her head.

This one, scholars state, was actually a compliment. For some reason, Superman and his ilk had hair with the might of diamonds. Shakespeare’s fault with his mistress lies not with the stars, but the bottle of bleach she refused to use on her locks.

I have seen roses damasked, red and white,

Taking a brief break from his fury, Shakespeare  discusses his garden. At the time he had been planting roses, hoping to pass them out to the audience after his shows to throw at him.

But no such roses see I in her cheeks;

However, Poison Ivy commandeered the roses for her housearming party. Her greenhouse, considering it was made of glass, was often broken into. To arm her hideout, she applied a new serum to turn them into rows of rose hellhounds. This has nothing to do with Sonnet 130, but it is of note that this is the only mention of Poison Ivy throughout Shakespeare’s body of work.

And in some perfumes is there more delight

Note, he did not say “all perfumes.” He hated colognes with cinnamon, raspberry, lemon, and rust in them, unless three of the previously mentioned had been mixed, excluding the mixture of cinnamon, raspberry and rust OR lemon, rust and cinnamon, UNLESS mixed with cauliflower, but not with a tablespoon. He had no use for perfumes with “Seashell” in the name.

Than in the breath that from my mistress reeks.

Back on track from that traumatizing rose incident, Shakespeare mentions that his mistress’ breath is inferior, on the basis that it was not super. After his death, most scholars agree that Shakespeare dissing his lady over her normal breath was considered “understandable” back in his day, but is widely accepted as “lame” in contemporary times, as super-breath serves Kryptonians “little to no value”. Most scholars forget to account for Shakespeare’s inflation kink, as the super-breath would be supplementary towards the balloonism aspect.

I love to hear her speak, yet well I know

This line was considered extremely controversial back in the day, and even now it has many combatants. This chronicler personally believes the only time a woman should be seen and not heard is if the man she’s talking to is deaf. That’s just out of their hands. To note: Supergirl can speak five sign languages, none of them English.

That music hath a far more pleasing sound;

Likely covering his tracks, Shakespeare praises music over his mistress’ voice. Queen Elizabeth I was overjoyed by the preceding line that she didn’t notice his wishy-washy stance on women’s speech v. the fault of music. Many held issue with music, as it was still in its developing stages and buggy, since it had been performed by crickets. This was changed to beetles after Supergirl’s cousin sent his man-servant, James Olsen, into the past.

I grant I never saw a goddess go;

Naturally, Kryptonians such as Supergirl could fly, despite defying the logic behind the yellow sun increasing normal human abilities. Shakespeare held that Superman could not fly, but jump in the air really high, as well as giving the impression of flight by creating discreet jumps midair. Everyone else claims it’s flight.

My mistress when she walks treads on the ground.

Despite claiming he “never saw a goddess go,” this is unrelated to his complaint about flight. Rather, Shakespeare is griping over Supergirl’s rocket she came to Earth in, while his mistress came to Earth in an oxcart. At this point, Shakespeare realized he had been nitpicking.

And yet, by heaven, I think my love as rare

Realizing he was no great catch, Shakespeare ended his 130th sonnet by turning the initial line, “And so without the further pain of my discourse / I must put out the beast like Superhorse,” into a “you’re not perfect but I love you” ending.

As any she belied with false compare.

Three months later, William Shakespeare arrived at the domicile of his mistress, her lanky limbs wrapped around a rugged sailor. While we don’t know the name of the naval officer, Shakespeare’s mistress was suspected to be Wonder Woman, as hinted in Sonnet 152 1/2 with the line “Olive her but Oyl never see her again.”

We all know the rest. Moping over his tethered love, Shakespeare attempted to shake his emotional dousing through focusing his efforts on finding his long-lost sister Judith. He was saddened to learn of her death and that her purpose in life was to serve as a clumsy metaphor for the imbalance of gender in society for college students in the future. He spent the rest of his life in an alien rocket.