Thoughts on Things and Stuff

We’ve all have opinions about both things and stuff, but nowhere on the “net” do you see a blog that discusses both in the same place. Today, I shall be the first to address my views on things and stuff, rather than only stuff, things, or stuff and whatever.

Also, in the spirit of the season, we shall avoid all topics regarding whatever. Whatever is the uncouth individual’s thing.

 

Thing: Puddles

Unlike lakes or cups of water, puddles are pretty useless. You can’t swim in it. You can’t carry it to bed and splash your wife’s face with it. Puddles are hated so much that we ruin our coats just to distance ourselves from the very sight of them. Puddles are bad.

 

Stuff: Horns and Teeth

These are external bones, and that’s kind of unsettling. But humans don’t have horns, so at least we’re better off than cattle. And teeth at least destroy food. Horns have their purpose, but not if you are a human. Horns are bad but teeth are good.

 

Thing: This photo of Kristen Stewart and Soko’s lips pressed against each other zoomed in too much to tell what in blazes is going on

It looks like a kiss; maybe it’s not one between self-diagnosed actress K-Stew and singer Soko, but a kiss nonetheless. But who am I to judge? Maybe it’s two fists against each other, or a color-inverted, blurred, rotated photo of a turtle. Either way, all love is love, even a turtle. This photo of Kristen Stewart and Soko’s lips pressed against each other zoomed in too much to tell what in blazes is going on is good.

 

Stuff: Muggles

We all know those people: Normal, non-magic users with no knowledge of magic. Muggles might not have magic or know how to get to the Organic Potion Shop,  but they also aren’t a threat to wizards and shezards. Muggles are okay.

Thing: Canary Yellow

Canary Yellow is a slightly darker shade of Yellow that loves the human eyes. It’s the subtle change of a single hex value letter that really lets this color stand out. Canary Yellow is breathtaking.

 

Stuff: Yellow

Yellow is what happens when you throw courtesy to the wolves. Glaring, blinding Yellow lacks the Canary Yellow’s subtle E in FFEF00, along with taste and resolve. Yellow is revolting.

 

Thing: Chiyo Sakura from Monthly Girls’ Nozaki-Kun and Paras from Pokemon fanart

When you take an anime girl with orange hair, pair her with a fungus-filled Pokemon, do we get anger and hate? No! We get fanart of the two, mostly leaning on the side of Pokemon gags instead of Chiyo’s own series. I mean, it makes more sense.

Okay, I know it’s controversial, but… I heard from a friend about some people that claim this is not really a “thing,” but whatever. It’s not whatever. Those people are only trying to latch onto these fanarts and popularize whatever through its label. But it’s not. It’s a thing. Remember how we do this, guys.

Now yes, I’m one of “those,” the select few still reeling over the demotion of wooden barrels from things to whatever. Well, what’s wrong with that? Look, we can give things the label whatever, but in the end it’s the things that are hurt, and according to recent government polls (mandated by the TSW Association), 73% of Americans find it harder to relate to a thing when it’s been demoted to whatever. Can you wrap your head around that? Numbers may lie, but not that high. What more can I give you? It’s time to rise up against this lightheaded obsession with whatever! Call your local politician! Tell your friends that they have a choice! No whatever! Things forever! NO WHATEVER! THINGS FOREVER!

Chiyo Sakura and Paras fanart is good.

 

Stuff: A photo of a turtle, before being color-inverted, blurred, or rotated

This photo of a turtle that is untouched by modern editing tools soothes my nerves. Stuff stays away from the thing/whatever debate and lives its own life, spreading peace and love to all who examine its splendor. Look at that shell, sturdy and protective, but at the same moment humbling. Those claws, digging and burying tools for her young. Being a turtle, a photo, stuff… what a way it must be. It is enlightening.

 

Thing: This sign that raves “Whatever!”

The irony of this “Whatever!” sign being a thing is not lost on me. I mean, it’s not like the opposite has never happened. Thing 2 from The Cat in the Hat is whatever (but not Thing 1, which is trash). I know the fact that the sign promotes whatever should anger me, but it’s so obviously a thing in its essence that I have to give it leeway. So… Yeah. This sign with Whatever Propaganda is fine, alright? I’m not made of stone.

 

Stuff: This gorgeous forest bridge

See, this is the stuff that stuff is made out of. I feel a serenity, a universal oneness with the whole of creation. Although it’s a little too good. I’m feeling disappointed in my own weak art skills. This forest bridge gets my “meh” rating. Better luck next time; we can’t all be perfect.

 

NO WHATEVER! THINGS FOREVER! NO WHATEVER! THINGS FOREVER!

100 Wrongs Superman Committed in “Crybaby of Metropolis”

Man, Superman is neat. But backwards, neat is mean. Wait… Um, yeah, sometimes he can be an utter tool to his friends. I believe his worst debacle was “The Crybaby of Metropolis.” You can read it here for context. Anyway, here’s a jumbled list of 100 Superm… um… It’s in the title.

1. Turning Lois into a baby instead of saving people.
2. Turning Lois into a baby because unlike making her shoot green light from her eyes, this transformation would have killed her.
3. Turning Lois into a baby and calling up his old girlfriend to laugh at Lois.
4. Turning Lois into a baby instead of someone who really deserved it.
5. Turning Lois into a baby even though it was never tested on humans before.
6. Turning Lois into a baby, beginning the Age Regression fetish.
7. Turning Lois into a baby and the story ends two panels early and with Lois still as a baby, probably because Superman was too late to give her the antidote and she faced a terrible unbirth, so it was censored.
8. Turning Lois into a baby when she probably had more important things planned to do that day, like literally anything else.
9. Turning Lois into a baby and letting her crawl into a lead pipe.
10. Turning Lois into a baby because she has a curious nature, which is a great attribute for a reporter, while all of this reflects poorly on superheroes.
11. Turning Lois into a baby and taking a day off from work, leaving Perry without his two best reporters for the day.
12. Turning Lois into a baby because he has a major God Complex that, due to serums bouncing off of him, no one can treat by turning him into a baby.
13. Turning a chicken into an egg, which can’t accept a liquid antidote.
14. Making Lois waste the present she planned to give her cousin just to walk outside.
15. Superman enabling the cops by rushing into the station to help a child in a locked safe, essentially begging the cops to help him waste time by calling up for more mundane emergencies in the future.
16. Ruining the entire door of the safe Lois was trapped in instead of just crunching the knob.
17. When the cops wonder where the missing toddler went, Superman brushes them off in favor of a baby who suddenly manifested, probably looking like an insensitive jerk to the policemen.
18. From Lois’ perspective, Superman and Lana are the type of people who would find a lost baby and spend no effort looking for the mother.
19. Superman destroys more public property when Lois is trapped in a lead pipe.
20. Neither adult puts Lois in clothing, meaning she’s an adult woman in the body of a baby with nothing on but a diaper.
21. The premise hinges on Lois’s curiosity and how she needs to be taught a lesson, but that’s like trying to stop a cat from eating a slightly poisoned mouse to make it a vegetarian. The cat won’t know since it’ll never understand you, nor will it or anyone see the cat as in the wrong, since your actions were way worse.
22. The reprints mention that back in the day, “heat” and “X-ray” vision were one, meaning Superman was considering toasting a baby.
23. Superman probably bullied that scientist into helping him do this to Lois.
24. Pretty much all of the other Lois transformations allowed her to get help. Here, Superman puts her into a position where she’s both too scared to ask him outright and unable to speak or walk properly.
25. Their relationship is such that she uses the word “disobey” when referring to Superman way more than any healthy relationship should.
26. This was his day. He planned it all, including the bit with the baby bottle. He wanted to embarrass her. Even if she were a teen and began to confess that she stole into the lab, he’d probably make rain fall or something just to finish his plan.
27. This is all his fault to begin with. His godly body made her insecure about her own appearance and drove her to such lengths.
28. He could’ve just validated her appearance, but he never does.
29. Lois is clearly trapped in a loveless crush, but Superman taunts her with Lana, crushing her confidence more and burying her in too deep.
30. Do you think they kept Lois in the crib overnight?
31. Did Superman crash on Lana’s couch with the crib inches away, muttering things like “My true identity is… mumble snxxxxzzz…”?
32. Did Superman wake up early to see a topless diapered Lois and laugh at her and store the scene away in his mind for private use?
33. Do you think Lois cried all day at her desk, inches away from Clark Kent, listening attentively about how horrible Superman was to her but vividly picturing what he saw earlier and explaining that he’d love to join Lois into the break room but he can’t stand up right now?
34. Making Lois hang out with teenagers.
35. Not only does he follow one woman around all day, but stands over the girl scouts’ event, which isn’t really a group a man should be overseeing.
36. Making Lois subconsciously want to be shot with rays by Superman is probably another fetish for a messed-up monster.
37. What if Lois freaked out and hid in her room all day instead of going out for a cure?
38. Or checked herself into a hospital for an X-ray in vain?
39. Or went into work like she wasn’t losing height and verbal abilities?
40. When Lois goes into a panic and beats her fists on Superman’s chest, he tells her to “Take it easy, Lois.” Like, it’s only the worst trauma you’ll ever have. No need to freak out. Dick.
41. Did he once consider that if she’s getting younger, it might be at a different rate than that of the chicken?
42. Did he once consider that the lesson he wants to get across is not only petty but also hypocritical? Her nosiness and his God Complex are different forms of micromanaging.
43. This whole thing probably didn’t help his li’l buddy, Jimmy, score any points with Lois’s sister Lucy.
44. Lois could potentially have lingering physical effects from that day. Bed-wetting trauma springs to mind.
45. What if Superman got called off to fight Doomsday (of the 1950’s)? BOOP. Gone Lois, gone.
46. Lois likely realized how no one really interacts with or needs her. She left her apartment as a teenager, no one asked where she was; it’s not like she’s a high-level reporter or anything.
47. Same thing with Superman, so he signs up for events he’s needed at least, like a charity dance. Why not just bite the Kryptonite bullet?
48. It’s not that Superman of the 50’s liked to mess around, but rather that he needed to get trust as an alien in a xenophobic world, so he was a mischievous goof instead of a savior. Usually causing mischief on people who’d talk to him.
49. He used a brand new breakthrough in science to hurt people.
50. Thanks to him, that science probably went unused.
51. They just sat and watched her crawl into the pipe. Their adult legs should have made it there first.
52. He outright calls it a “gag.” Whatta schmuck.
53. Dream Superman is such a dick that he leaves Lois forever just for busting a machine.
54. Lois is so distraught at the idea of losing Superman, even though all he ever does is manipulate her.
55. Superman thinks about how he hopes Lois isn’t too curious at the research facility, as it gets her into hot water. Which is why he purposely has her get into hot water?
56. Lois notes she hasn’t seen Superman in weeks, but we can infer she’s seen Clark consistently. Wow, Superman is really that lazy. It’s never mentioned what he was doing.
57. Superman and the professor go into another room to see an invention, and for some reason (the plan), Lois can’t come. They restrict her from doing anything or joining them. Like, really? No wonder she gets itchy feet.
58. Part of the professor’s lines hinge on how great and special Superman’s x-ray vision is. Ego Trip Station, please.
59. Superman can play a one-man band, which I can believe. But he seriously knows the cello, piano, trumpet and drums? My God, he definitely wants humanity to feel like dirt.
60. Girl Scout Lois asks for help lighting firewood (ah, the days gone by), and Superman refuses unless she does a good deed for the day. Even though he’s there to help everyone.
61. The good deed is to find a missing cat, but Lois brings back a skunk. The cat goes missing, and I’m guessing this is another gag on his part. “Hey, scoutmaster, there’s a missing cat around here. Black, white stripes.”
62. He should probably keep an eye on the police department. Lost Lois is offered a police club if she stops crying. He lets this guy walk the beat?
63. Superman never lets the boys in blue on the gag, although they never notice the pink dress lying in the safe. MICROMANAGE THIS DEPARTMENT.
64. As they’re never let in on the gag, the cops have a squandered squadron looking for a nonexistent distraught mother.
65. Lana suggests they adopt Lois (whose mother is presumably freaked out by now), and Superman hems, haws, but does not say no. These two deserve each other.
66. Lana claims she has baby things in her house courtesy of a visiting friend. Likeliest answer: She wanted to humiliate her rival. No, really, they deserve each other.
67. Lois follows Superman and Lana into a garden (a decrepit lot). They left her alone? What happened in those days that you could just do that?
68. Only Superman could “grin broadly” when the suffering of his friends are involved.
69. Everything in the last four panels. Just… everything. Superman’s initial stern face when explaining the prank to Lois.
70. Carrying Baby Lois under his arm like a briefcase.
71. He says he found out she used the youth booth only when a warning flashed on the screen. But… why was Lois left alone?
72. Plus, the professor and Superman devised that elaborate antidote hoax awful quickly.
73. And the professor just happened to have had another chicken sitting around.
74. I’m just saying, I think it was all planned before they walked into the laboratory. He wanted her to squirm, and by disappearing for a few weeks, her paranoia led her right into his trap.
75. X-ray vision: It could start fires, cure unaging, count jellybeans, and spot where Lois is. The perfect tool to screw with your friends.
76. Lana Lang, leaning against the tree, smug that Superman didn’t choose her for this atrocity and yukking it up over her rival’s demise. This woman is sinister and a cruel cherry on Lois’s ash cake.
77. He put the antidote in a bottle, not only to humiliate, but to dominate.
78. He shoves said bottle into her mouth like punching a beehive.
79. This looks almost painful for Lois. She wiggles her feet, raises her eyebrows and makes a hand that almost says “STOP!”
80. While he forces her to drink, Superman continues to explain how ingenious his plan was. Douuuuuche.
81. Super-sleight of hand? Stop adding your brand to everything you do. “I’m Super-putting up a compost heap!”
82. Lana’s large tilted head while she, amused with this turn of events, exists only as a means to draw distance from Lois and Superman. In a way, that might make Lana a good person.
83. This line:”So drink up, baby…” UGGGGGGHHHHH
84. I mean, did he not already win? Calling her a baby like it wasn’t a terrible day?
85. Forget about drinking. Did she eat all day? We never see her eating or drinking. I guess food and water are unnecessary for a shrinking girl…
86. He’s so nonchalant about this, especially since the times he was a baby, he was a) fully clothed and b) super-powered. No compassion.
87. The other half of the line. “Or Papa spank!” GAAAAAAAAAAAAAH
88. Doubles the creepiness when you realize a man is saying this to a woman with consciousness inside of a baby. Say it to a casual female acquaintance.
89. Triples the creepiness when you remember that time Superman made one of his robot duplicates spank Lois while he watched. HE’S GOT IT BAD, MAN.
90. Quadruples the creepiness when you reestablish their relationship in your mind. Now, they’re a happy couple (maybe, or Wonder Woman is with him?), but then, this was who she wanted to marry. And afterwards, she was fine. No one here is healthy, and Superman is proving that she’s too broken to leave him.
91. She does begin to contemplate murder. She swears it. He turned a once-respected member of the journalist world into a cold-blooded killer.
92. She’s so embarrassed that she makes glugging noises in her head.
93. Someone get that bow out of her hair. It’s hideous. Superman, did you…? He’s smiling broadly.
94. Superman does not know how to hold a baby, even if it’s more life a football.
95. Did he ever consider confronting her about how often she gets into scrapes?
96. Did he ever reevaluate his life, like how he burned up his parents who were really aliens in disguise, and he knew because they accidentally switched glasses? It was a real rush to be right in a horrible way, and he wanted to get more, more, more.
97. He wears his underpants on the outside of his uniform. The women are obviously uncomfortable, but his might shuts them up fast.
98. Making the woman he kinda sorta likes wallow in anguish also gives him a rush. This comic is his magnum opus of humiliation.
99. He hates Alice in Wonderland because the book gets “Curiouser and curiouser…”
100. The worst part is how often he’s nice to Lois, like when she helps Lana to determine if her book is realistic by living the role. Superman gives her enough space and when he finds out, he praises her for being nice to someone Lois finds usually difficult to be around. It makes nonsensically malicious motives like this hard to read sometimes.

Jock, Nerd, Goth – We Bare Bears

There are about six recurring characters on the cartoon series “We Bare Bears,” all with different kinds of insecurities. I see the show as an inner-doubt showcase, displaying its characters in a modern setting, potentially as a means to address the issues the cast frequently display, with the audience noting them on a personal level. A kindred sense of self-worthlessness.

The show features three bears living in San Francisco, a college girl, a meme sensation koala, and a Sasquatch. So that first paragraph is unduly pretentious. I’ve had a concept of the six characters falling into some kind of insecurity grid, but it’s taken me months to figure it out: The Breakfast Club.

I most often use The Breakfast Club to compare series that feature groups of five characters. Let’s pretend the above Kevin Keller cover featured Betty, not Kevin. Reggie would stay Bender, because duh. Veronica would make way more sense as socialite Claire, not goth Allison, which obviously belongs to Betty. Archie would be Andy because he’s got a vision of justice and has been on every sports team ever. Finally, Jughead would be brainy Brian, who ends up with no one by the end of the film. (I would love to see Mr. Weatherbee ask Reggie to hit him.)

See? I’ve applied it elsewhere. Like comparing The Breakfast Club with the emotions of Inside Out.

But this time, I’ve gone a different route. I used the classic film to test my theory of “All characters can be a jock, nerd, or goth.” I call it the “Not A Good Name Theory.” Here’s the haps: The five main characters in The Breakfast Club can fall into one of three categories.

Jock: After comparing all five with one another, it seemed that conceptually, Andy and Bender were essentially the same, just Light vs. Dark. Both crave attention through speech and action, but Andy is Mr. Justice and Bender is King Villain. The jock’s insecurity, it seems, would be the attention of physical beings. Bender lashes out, Andy acts the hero. (Also whatever personal details they reveal in the film.)

Nerd: There’s a timidness to the nerd, but it’s not like they can’t function. Brian and Claire live in this section. Brian goes out of his way to be nice to the custodian, follows the rules, whatever else I missed. He also feels validated through grades, essentially numbers that seldom matter. Claire’s the social butterfly, so all eyes are on her. She herself (unlike other cliches of her ilk) is not cruel or a high-roller. She has to maintain an appearance for her and her family’s sake. Both do show tendencies to be pushed too far, but overall live in the more modest range of public emotions. The insecurity here is the unseen people; Claire’s social norms reflect her family and school life, Brian is nice to everyone to feel validated and keeps his emotions in too long before he bursts.

Goth: Not “Goth” per se, but it felt it was easily recognizable and matched the 4-letter word theme. Allison is quiet quite often, but gradually speaks as the film progresses. She’s usually off doing her own thing, like using her dandruff for art. When she tries to talk to the others, she comes off as bizarre and unnatural, constantly creating symptoms for herself. She’s something in between the jock and nerd. The goth can have boldness and confidence, but lacks continual invested interest to be noticed, like a jumpscare. The goth also has the shyness of the nerd and the typical  high level of artistic talent, but inherently frightens people away, due to nature or appearance. The insecurity (the main one, at least) is an antisocial nature, but trying to blend in with people your loved ones like. Allison starts to like the Breakfast Club, but she gets hurt because she can’t act normally around others.

Back to the bears. SO! As there are six characters (not including Chloe’s parents or background characters), we’ll sort the cast into two and two and two.

Jock: The insecurity is “the attention of physical beings.” Well, Grizz is always craving the approval of others and the need to feel cool. He’s the first to speak out between the three bears, and his attention-seeking is a little too high-decibel for some. Meanwhile, internet star Nom Nom is rude, boisterous, and smarmy. But he breaks down if he loses or if his fans desert him. There, it’s based on a monetary need, but it’s reflected in his personality and actions, like putting others in danger to be noticed.

Nerd: The insecurity is “the unseen people.” Panda is almost always looking at his social media websites, craving attention from large numbers. He does create images and people do enjoy them, but he doesn’t really do it out of passion for photography. While he is soft-spoken, Panda will hold emotions in until something turns sour. Chloe, still in college, has both the grade-seeking and the fear of peers, such as when her ringtone is mocked. She’s pleasant to everyone, but sometimes displays a defeatist attitude or overcompensation.

Goth: The insecurity is “an antisocial nature, but trying to blend in.” Ice Bear speaks softly, seldom as an adult and never as a child, stemming from developmental issues, perhaps. He prefers being alone, but genuinely wants to interact with his loved ones, even if they clash on matters of taste. He takes things too literally, obsesses over personal interests, and seems to be the only bear to hold a grudge. He’s also super-talented, but all of this boils down to “He can’t interact with most people and is particular in general.” Charlie the Sasquatch is the opposite of Ice Bear, however. He’s very outspoken, but doesn’t want attention from humans. His main goth factor is shying away from others and awkward interactions, like being a poor winner at basketball and interacting with a snake. He also frightens people (despite not looking that bizarre compared to the bears), scaring off people based on appearance (and nature, for the bears at least.)

What the heck does the title mean? Is it that they are “bare bears,” that their emotions and insecurities have made visible for all the world to see? That. Let’s go with that.